IF I FIND YOU SUBMERGED IN MY INTROSPECTION, IT'S BECAUSE I AM ONE WHO OVERFLOWS WITH IT. MY EXISTENCE IS CAPTIONED BY THIS PREDICAMENT OF A LIFE LARGER THAN THE MARGINS PLACED AROUND ITS EDGES.
MY BITTERSWEET STATEMENTS IN SUPPORT OF THE FREEDOM TO EXPRESS..
I sneer at people who can throw invectives at others without knowing where they are insufficient... Those who rage in anger over things they never understood - like how two strangers connect without spending time to talk..Or why it seemed like they have known each other before?... In the paradigm of sacrifice, I am the one that always needed something to believe in, in all the aspects of my life. To live, to protect my children, to love and fight for others and everything that matters to my existence. I learned, slowly, in the length of time too stretched and far away that hope the same as love is the simplest of word we can think of and give. And ironically, the hardest to get in this world where deceit and betrayal can sometimes disguise themselves as over-bearing. The purity of heart will always remain the wall that shields us. It's certitude.
♥ON BOOK POWER!♥
I love books, I treasure them like my life. I spend thousands of minutes in Powerbooks - reading from prologues to epilogues before paying for them. And it's one freaking habit I carried on to ppl close to me - they're adddicted to it! .
♥MY TAKE ON KIDLAT TAHIMIK AND HIS SUNFLOWER HOUSE!♥
Truthfully,I would celebrate each day I get the chance to meet people who think this way. Kindred ideas of equal mindset... People who idolise Sun Tzu's The Art of War and Coelho's Warrior of the Light...People who can relish every second of conversation with Eric De Guia as he talks about the planks of woods he used to build his atelier on Session Rd..And how art is desecrated by wannabe's.
♥HOW I CHOSE TO RECKON ...♥
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♥KINDRED♥
Dino(fractalcow.com)
The Blog of Filipino Writer-Director Sigfreid Barros-Sanchez
W/ Permission from Jim Paredes
Benjamin
Ala Paredes
Wam Molina

♥ON THE SWIFT PASSING OF TIME...♥
Youth is fleeing, temporary. In this life, family & friendships are like the air that I breathe. I feel if you let go of those, just like your youth, everythin will be BLAH. We should keep them - like how you imagine a child holding tightly a lollipop in his hand..
♥WHAT ABOUT THE PALM READER?♥
An old soul, so said by a palm reader. One blink of my eyes would mean a thousand ideas conceived and processed... Do you know what constitutes the basic idea of being a woman of substance? When intelligent conversation matters more than sex itself.. I am starting to patronize that...How many reincarnations ive transcended? Caffeine-freak. Walk into my skin... Soulful.Ethereal.
skin by unriven
inspired by threadless
basecodes mothersound
6.28.2004
MY ADVICE TO FRANCIS



You will look around your orbit and recognize the same people
who have been with you through all same things over
and over again, and they're still with you...
I won't ask you why.
Just keep on moving on.
Don't look for more...because that's what makes you
take evrythin' you have for granted for now...
You have a long lifetime, you're fucking 22 years old...Your skin is still
as tight as a carabao's, you have no crow's feet at the side of your right eye..or left eye...your clock still ticks because it functions with a newly purchased battery...like a battery branded by Ikea, it lasts 3 times longer as opposed to Eveready...
Bottomline: you shan't whine about a phalanx of senseless wordly, temporal shits.
Life is not just that...How about stargazing at night..or sitting on a bench at the Sunken Garden and count how many condoms are there lying stuffed from the previous night?Haha...Or watching the birds outside the window of my condo as they collect twigs everyday in the nest that my daughters built for them...
Such is the simple life that would mean like world to you when you reach my powerful age.
And as I look at you, I think about how you will take being evicted from the house you grew up in, or seeing your father die, you wanted to embrace him but his body was encrypted in a fiberglass casket that will restore his carcass intact for the next 12 years....Or to worry about your children's future because you'll never know when you're gonna die?...

Tell me if your whining equates all these...
Enjoy your life as it still is yet to unfold.
The bullshit which you say is PASSE is the bullshit that will keep you moving on..
Go figure.
I love you!


I spent a hefty amount of time on my cellphone yesterday morning. Why, my friend Francis called me while he whined about lots of stuffs regarding his life.
This person was 19 when I got to meet him and he totally regarded me with such respect first as his supervisor and later on as a very good friend. I do the same to him.Now he's freaking 22 yrs old and he thinks he's carrying the whole world on his back! On his back? Can I just tell you that he is an only child, he travels outside the country every year, he has his green card, he buys branded stuffs, he graduated Cum Laude in Pol Sci from LaSalle, he affords having a 7-day vacation at a 5-star hotel in Boracay, he has a driver...And he feels he has the world on his back?
Tickle me hard, man.

When I bore my eldest daughter, he was just 10 yrs old. Imagine the age gap.
Hahaha. So more or less, I'm just like a mother to him! Hell, NOOOO!!! Hahaha.
Is that how old I am? Unfortunately, yes.

This is what I posted on his blog
today. I hope I made some sense.


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6.27.2004
SIMPLE UNHANGOVERISH SUNDAY WITH TRISH AND JET

This is Jet and this is Trish - My Sunday gimmick buddies:



I woke up at 12 midnight to meet Trish and Jet at Segafredo in Greenbelt.
As usual, I was late. But the crew were already putting the chairs on the tables so we had to leave...GB3 was a ghost town at 130 in the morning of Monday.
We headed to Malate and drank at Cafe Adriatico till 330 am.
It was fun. We all laughed at my own craziness and my funny experiences in life.
They were wondering what Tessa Prieto- Valdez, Kris Aquino and I have in common?...I say it's a very confidential matter that will provoke the universe to be in a sort of siege! Let's not talk about mortality, you two young asses!!! I hate you! Hehehe.

I was amping to drown in frozen margaritas but ended up with Cafe Ad's Coffee Barako, huh! Not kapeng barako. :)
Ken wasn't able to make it, as usual.
He's busy painting the town bloody red with his other friends...I wonder when can we sit down again and have our afternoon brown mix at Famous? I wavvv you!

I was actually planning to join Pin and his friends at a noisy, mediocre bar where majority of its denizens are you know, bagets..haha But I just went home. It will just be a waste of time travelling from Malate all the way to QC. Besides, I have to be the one to bathe my little daughters before goin to school . It's a once-a-week task I promised myself I'd do. :)
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HE, IN THE MIDDLE, IS THE GENUINE ARTIST I WAS TALKING ABOUT BELOW...^~^



I remember doing the copies for some press kits and display art panels/signages Richard used to do when he has sideline jobs as a freelance designer.It was just a short-lived realization.
Made me sigh...We could have both discovered way back then that we could be a perfect team and not just have me cooking for our family, washing their clothes, be ranting jealous of all the girls he worked with, and sulk at home...He forgot that I could be indespensible, that I was his treasure, too.

I hope God is listening. And I'll make a wish.
It's the picture of a complete family - eating breakfast, lunch and dinner together all the days of their lives. Two daughters playing in the living room while daddy does his thing with his MAC G3 or his iMAC...And mommy cooks in the kitchen...
It sometimes happens every one and a half year.
I want it forever.
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THIS IS HOW THE HORIZON YOU PAINTED FOR ME LOOKS LIKE SO I'D NOT FLUNK MY COLOR COMPOSITION CLASS!



It's just a passing thought..I kinda remembered the good times I had with my friends back in college. I went to an Art School for 1 and a half sem. Of course it's a prerequisite that you can draw and paint. During my entrance exam, I brought my friend to do the still-life painting of a glass on top of a table. I sneaked my sketch pad outside so Conch, my friend, could do it...Hahaha. I was accepted.

It didn't end there. When prelims came, it was Ronald who always did my plates for me! Damn, slacker!!! I'd let them do it in exchange of book reports. That has always been an ex-deal for us.
I wasn't really an artist. It was only a period of a career crisis when I was contemplating on what really was it that I wanted to pursue. I had to leave school and forget journalism for a while. In Fine Arts, you can't survive if you're just an individual pretending to be one of them in the league. Goddamn fucking pretender! Hehehe.
In the long run, you'll realise you're a nobody in the ocean of such great talents and you'll see yourself stuck in the vortex with nothing and your friends would laugh at you. You'll be in a nude painting class and you couldn't even sketch the outline of the woman's breast...What more to do justice to it by putting the perfect lighting perspective by the power of your bare hand and charcoal pencil? Nah..I couldn't do it...The cliche went on with its redundant connotation : When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Hell, didn't I??? I did as I should. But it was still a death-stricken metaphor that I burned eyebrows and ashes just to learn perfect Italian - yet, my tongue still kept on reverting to my own native language, cuz learning Italian wasn't really my passion...Exactly the whole rationale behind it. You can't ever be who you want to be only because you wanna be in the mainstream. Just be yourself and flourish your own innate talent.Whew.
Was I lucky to have Bambam, Aidward, Xana, Ronald, etc...
I owed to them my survival in that world where creativity is the air that you can only breathe.

Above is the painting of the horizon which became my ticket in passing Mr. Miaga's art class. Done by my friend Ronald. ^~^ I'll never forget that stormy evening when you did that.

At the end of it all, I opted to marry a genuine artist. While I continued to nourish what God gave me.^~^
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6.25.2004
BOHEMIAN INK

While I search the web for some links that will prove beneficial in my attempt to flourish my God-given talent (nakkss...*wink*), I spotted this site called Bohemian Ink. Oh man, what a way to start a brand new day at exactly 415 in the morning! ^~^ This is a ghetto for underground literary buffs surfacing in certain circles but have yet to break the major league...
That is my dream! Being a New Age writer amping for the publication of my untitled essays in the very near, unbleak future!
At least I have a dream...Check it out, mah friends!
I learn a lot of stuffs everyday..From HTML, to Java Scripts, to controling my emotions, to Neo-Futurist ideologies...And I learn them all in the comfort of my acquired silence of my living room from 12 midnight to 6 in the morning, when everybody else is asleep.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RICHARD



I remember you said it was only just gonna take a year before you could take us with you there...Now another year was taken by The Lord from your mortality...Another year added to the 6 long years you didn't spend your birthday with us (notwithstanding my birthdays)...But I thank you that you never forget spending your daughters' birthdays & 3 Christmases with us from time to time..:)

It has been quite an endless wait. I don't know if you're still looking forward to it.
But I have always wished you are...

Happy birthday to the person who bore me the 2 most important little girls in my life!
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DYING TO SWIPE MY CARD FOR THIS: THE LOST ORDERS



Who is quite fond of Graham Swift, the British contemporary of Salman Rushdie who was much acclaimed for "Waterland?"..."The Lost Orders" is a beautiful little book, about a man who dies and his four best friends take his ashes to sprinkle into the ocean. It's just about an outing...Four drinking partners out for a day in a rented car. That's all that happens, but it's very touching and funny which tells you a lot about what these people have been to each other... And it also tells you something about the ritual of death, this last rite of passage. The way in which these ordinary folks, who in a strange way, rise to the occasion while it becomes a real ceremony and they become conscious of the importance of what they're doing...

...Wow, I never really noticed how I can be very good in eyeing good finds! It just caught my attention one time in Powerbooks. But I had just grabbed myself 2 new books and I swear, it will take me forever to read them cuz of my schedule...
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6.24.2004
MORE POSTINGS TO BE IMPORTED FR MY OLD BLOG

Comin' up!
Salamat po.

And hello...hello..to my new http://www.myspace.com affinities N3phalim http://www.n3phalim.cjb.net
ur such a very cool, weird, deep, high, crazy, funny, wonderful girl ; and Chelsea!
my pleasure meeting u people. ^~^


http://www.bittersweetcharisse.blogspot.com
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6.23.2004
DEATH


When the first of things existed...
I was there waiting....

When the last of things dies,
my job will be finished...

I will put all chairs on the table,
turn off the lights, and lock the
universe as I leave...

..In Dream Country
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MY BITTERSWEET THINGY

I finally had it made! My 2nd blog. I decided to transfer all my entries in my old blog http://www.chaforever.blogspot.com here today, all of them. Crossing my fingers.
Damn, it gave me a hard time understanding all the javascript codes in the new template so I could edit them the way I wanted my blog to appear.
So I sit on the comfort of my chair, glued to the monitor.. Half- asleep, half- awake.
Here goes my endless journey in this blog I call my virtual company...
Please feel free to dissect me. You're very welcome.

http://www.bittersweetcharisse.blogspot.com
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IF I WILL HAVE TO TRAVEL FARTHEST TO BE WITH A FRIEND...WHAT ABOUT FR MANILA TO VANCOUVER?

(Iris & Me at Starbucks Baguio)


when we were in baguio, iris, joe and i were in a bar called chill out.(so?..) we played a lil game and asked what was our 1st impression of each other..i told joe, on the first day she got into our team, i knew she was somebody i needed to take care of, like a younger sister...that is so true...when everyone else was thinkin she was nasty, i thought of her as somebody deep and sensible..iris and i kinda hit it off cuz there are some things no one else except us can relate to..like...well...we do not always agree with our own views but somewhere in the middle of everythin, our thoughts meet up there...we could spend lonnngggggg times talking about myself and her, herself and me, etc...etc...and the result would be...packing up to go to baguio!!!and on the way there,we bought evrything from quail eggs,to chicharon, to buco pie, to corn, etc..etc..until i almost died of dehydration cuz joe said i shouldn't drink too much liquid cuz of the long trip..engerts, di talaga bumili ng water sa station ng victory liner, nasa pampanga pa lang, tulala na ko sa sobrang thirst cuz wala talaga vendor ng water..hahaha.. whenever i lose my money, iris is always there (hehehe)..i'd call her and buddy in the middle of the night, she'd pay for my taxi fare and will spend the remaining hours at Digi (where we are seated right now typing this)making me sabon forever...:) she was my yaya when i got drowned with tequila at chill out, my lookout when i didn't care facing the toilet bowl to throw up..(yuuuccckkkkkk). one thing that makes us click is that common ground she is saying..yeah, true...and i hope and i pray we could finally surpass that journey of life... fate is always very sweet in giving me the right people that include her and all the other friends i really cherish.. and i do not mind travelling farthest with her next time because i know whatever happens, we'd always end up taking care of each other. oh man, believe me...it's very rare that i speak of this of anybody...cuz when i do, it means that somebody is absolutely special in my life. :) Sorry I had to upload your friendster photo here..and my testi...:D
I miss you, dude... :(

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6.22.2004
MY GAY PRIDE...



As copied from his Friendster account...
I am the author, which reserves me the right
to post it here whenever I need it...

maduhfuckin pose! hehe...i can read
ur brain purging a gazillion of jargons
only intellectuals can
comprehend...like me..echos!...ur brain
cells function faster than the speed of
light, ur whole existence never
experiencing lethargy..look at that
photo that radiates
exhuberance...echos...that mouth, like
a metaphor, can actually kill once he
opens it...ur a verbose,that sometimes
i just pretend i understand whatyou
say..hehe...u always lift me up..our
friendship never falters...i hate u for
taking a shot of myself drooling in
drunkeness with ur camera, which until
now is saved in my desktop...u
voluntarily declare my tormentors ur
enemies, just like tabacalera..haha..i
hate u, too, for calling her
stylish...but i still luv u just the
same...ur one of the very few who share
my views about the alchemist, about
pringles..i miss ur santo nino dance,
even if u look catatonic...but i luv u
just the same...^~^
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6.19.2004
I WAS JUST IN THE DELIVERY ROOM WORRYING ABOUT WHY MY OB-GYNE HAD TO INDUCE MY BAG OF WATER BY PRICKING IT WITH A STEEL ROD ...

And these two little angels were the culprits why i had to undergo such
terrible, heavenly ordeal...


How many more years and I'd be a very, very conservative mother who would pick
you up even if you're already in college?





You'll always be my baby...Always saying"I love you, mama!" And what reason am I left with but to give her 100 pesos everyday? I bursted out laughing when she said if her ate wants to study in UP, her dream is to study at Rejoice University and she was serious..Bwahahahaha
Just yesterday, she was seated beside me in front of our computer. And then she said, "Mommy, when I finish college, I don't wanna work in an office. Is it okay to work at SM(Shoemart)? I want to be in the counter so I could keep all the money.
Hahahaha again...
Those sort of dreams of a child which she gets from what she sees around her.
Of course I had triumphed in disillusioning her from it, so she ended up with what I programmed her mind to dream about, to be an architect like her older sister.

My daughter has a hobby of owning different kinds of trinkets. Off school, they won't stop asking money from me so they could go with their yaya to National Bookstore or the Merriam Bookstore near our house. They'd buy colored pens, clays and all the art materials they could find. And that's everyday, I swear!





Wam is now 12 years old and independent. She inherited my sense of solitude, who finds solace in being alone without her little sister ranting at her back...
She is very artistic like her daddy. And as her mom, I never tire of repeating to her (just so it would start giving her a sense of expectation and upliftment of what she wants to be ..or what her mother wants her to be..haha..) that she will be a painter someday, or an architect, or an architect cum painter...
She keeps a portfolio of her sketches, she's been nagging me about the violin she wants to play. And there was once when she showed me a stickman animation she did. Those were in-between images she drew at the top-right corners of a small, old book. When you browse through it from the bottom, the images looked like a moving stickman. I think she learned it from her daddy and it was what her Ninong Edward, an animator who was one of those responsible in making the XMEN animation you see on tv, taught her before. It's called "In-between" animation...

I wonder if these epiphanies would weave a good future for them.
I wish they will be what I failed to be that I should have been.
We fight a lot, mostly on who should use the internet first when they get home from school. :)
My best solution is : here's 100 pesos, go to Merriam Bookstore. Hehehe

No matter how long they have been living away from their dad, he is still their hero.

This photo was taken last New Year's Eve when their daddy went home for vacation.
And where was I? Workin' my ass up while my family was supposed to be complete
after sooooooo many years. They had to spend it with our family friends...One minus point
in being a good mom...My daughters have gotten used to it.
And, they have their daddy badoodie with them, that's what's important.
They love him more than they do me, I think...:)
Even if I had to waste all my money in Timezone and National Bookstore for them...^_^
Cuz he gives them 1,000 pesos all the time!
Their life with me is so different from their life with their daddy. As opposed to their life with both daddy and mommy together, which, I guess has not existed in 4 or 5 yrs now...
And I pray that someday we will all be together again. That's a long-drawn dream
I have always wished for Wam and Roxeanne. Because I live for them...

Whew, I wanna cry...And sleep...ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



http://www.bittersweetcharisse.blogspot.com
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6.18.2004
Yeah, it's Harvard!

http://www.befrank.blogspot.com




"Proud parents aren't difficult to find in Boston on Harvard graduation day. Action wife and I flew out for our daughter's graduation. She actually finished her Masters in Economics program back in December, but there was no way I'd miss out on attending a Harvard graduation. How many chances would I have to experience that?"

This was an entry that my fellow blogger Bryan Frank ,
a news photographer in Los Angeles, CA have recently posted on his blogspot. He posted it after his daughter's graduation at Harvard. I commented something like how it seems impossible for me, from the far side of the planet, to be able to cast my footsteps on Harvard grounds...And he replied to me:

"I joked often that there's a sign outside of Harvard like at an amusement park for the rollercoasters. There's a picture of a brain and a line near the top of it that says, you must be "this smart" to enter Harvard. My wife and kids could enter, but I'd have to wait outside on the bench.

That's just a little self-deprecating humour. My academic acomplishments, though modest helped me raise the family I have. That doesn't happen by accident."

Here are some of the photos Bryan shared:



In his posting, this was what he wrote:

" Let me introduce my oldest daughter. . .
. . .This is Dania Frank. She graduated from Harvard.




I could never be any prouder if I were him!

8:35 AM

I wish I still have my dad. :)
He would probably be more like Bryan Frank. Only a little older.
I could have lived longer in Vienna and studied at Vienna International School
and Oxford University while he continued his stint with the United Nations in Geneva...
Such were the good, old times...My colorful, diplomatic future ended when he died.
But I'm proud of my mother for bringing us all up by herself.:)


http://www.bittersweetcharisse.blogspot.com
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6.05.2004
MY ALTER-EGOISH MEMOIR - PART II

Funny how I would catch you at very unpredictable moments - like finding you in a Sunday magazine or seeing you walk pass by my table at Starbucks..That both happened in-a-5-year-interval..Never wanna let go of those moments if only to have my best friend back..But I stayed hidden..Fate really has its way, huh..You're there, finally! All in your 32 years of existence..And our friendship remained unfaltered...Vey proud of you -for what u have become...You know you always had me to believe in you..Like when you lost ur memory for 3 days..Hehe..Never saw u in yrs,and I know if I do,soon,it's still like any of those days when you would stay awake doin' my plates & I would watch sad movies..:D There hasn't been years lost. Only memories to smile for. And a lifetime to still be friends..Really hope so.:)



On the 2nd day, I got a call again. Same familiar voice, this time with no
sign of indifference, whatsoever...It was just like a day after he cooked me sinigang. :D
And as expected, he'd say he knew ever since that Richard and I were never meant
for each other...Sigh...Only your friend can say that, huh...

Ronald is a designer now. Quite well known with his WARP brand and his presence in the club scene, or just simply for his long dread locks .:D
He also has put up an experimental ad agency and production house that does events.
When he asked me to quit my job and just join him to be his creative partner, I was really overwhelmed and excited! He told me he's gonna help me realize my gift, which I have always kept hidden, wasting it for a call center job.

Ooopss...My time is running out...I'm runing late for my shift later...
My blogspot, I'll get back to you as soon as I get home tomorrow morning...
And to Ronald...I want you to know I'm here still.
Your security blanket,
Charisse

http://www.bittersweetcharisse.blogspot.com
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6.04.2004
MY ALTER-EGOISH MEMOIR

THE FRIEND YOU-ONLY-KINDA-MEET-ONCE-IN-FOUR-OR-FIVE-YEARS-AND-IT'S-LIKE-THERE'S-NOT-ANY-YEAR-LOST-IN-BETWEEN


You.Yes, you...
Aren't you the same person I saw walking across Havana last Friday? With the long dread locks - totally different - but then, i remember your walk..:D
I knew it was you!

Do you remember me? When life for you was still as simple as a jeepney ride and you were much younger? Has it been long? Man, it is..

I knew you will be what you are today..Surrounded by people..Freaking unique..Really special..I'm proud of you. :D All the years that saw me up and down, full, troubled, happy - there have been mornings when I'd wake up asking myself whatever happened to Ronald..where you are, what you're doing,who you're with..your mom, your dad..
Nice to see you finding your niche. you looked absolutely happy! :D

After that time I saw you, I headed home, digged up my old treasures..And in that silver can, I saw your old notes. I carry them with me in the middle of my marriage, separation, reconciliation & happiness..All in 14 years...Funny.:D..It's not to mean anythin' else but to tell you I'm still your friend, who saw you when you were just damn tryin' hard filming experimental video shot-in-the-garage...haha..Your what, alter ego?
No matter what, I'm still proud of you just the same.

Your talent brought you to where you are now. Live it.
At our age, it's so soothing to the soul when you come across the people who were with you when life was still not complicated. It reminds you of the very ethereally simple things that really matter to you now - like not having to ride the LRT anymore because you have a car , or not having to sleep the 8 hrs required because you're busy earning moolah...Or just watch people walking pass you while you sit on a bench in a park...Those things...

I'm okay..My 2 daughters have grown up..I'm workin' my ass up serving imperialist Americans. :D
Hope to see you around..And if I do, I really wish it's a first-person-second-person perspective kind of thing. :D


That was my Friendster message to my long, lost friend. Didn't leave my number...But after one day, I got a call from a man whose voice I couldn't forget, whose name I'll
always remember...:D

He used to call me his security blanket, I used to call him my alter ego.
When I'd say yes, he'd say no..When something's good for me, he'd say it's not.
The last time we were together, he cooked sinigang for me while I doted on his pet mouse
under the stairs of his apartment.Man, that was years ago - when I was still young and free!
Ronald was always the person telling me I have a gift to be a brilliant writer.
We always wrote each other. And it was such a sweet thing seeing him keep every letter I gave in a box...I, too, did the same. I carried his notes wherever life brought me..
The rest was history, though it was a cliche to say...

I was proud of him! He used to do those experimental videos and would draw caricatures of myself...I knew even then that his talent would lead him somewhere. As early as college, he have grown independent cuz his mom was in the States while his dad worked here and he's left alone being an only child.
That began my belief that his independence will help him battle the struggles of life.
He had this thing that draws people toward him. He's always surrounded by nice-looking people...I never associated myself with them..Our friendship was something that we keep to ourselves, with the few people we're both closed with.
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