MY BITTERSWEET STATEMENTS IN SUPPORT OF THE FREEDOM TO EXPRESS

From City Of Angels .

What kind of destiny is it that allowed 2 people to meet
when it knows that they can never meet again?

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NIETZSCHE.

Lately, I have been whiling away my precious time just reading Friedrich Nietzsche's Beyond Good and Evil.

I don't know why. It seems what I read from Bartlett's lodged permanently in my mind.
Whatever.

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MORNINGS.

Naked, you are simple as one of your hands,
Smooth, earthy, small, transparent, round
You have moon-lines, apple-pathways.
Naked, you are slender as a naked grain of wheat.

Naked, you are blue as a night in Cuba;
You have vines and stars in your hair;
Naked you are spacious and
Yellow as summer in a golden church.

Naked, you are tiny as one of your nails -
curved, subtle, rosy, till the day is born
and you withdraw to the underground world,

As if down a long tunnel of clothing
and of chores: your clear light dims, gets dressed
Drops its leaves;
and becomes a naked hand again.

-Pablo Neruda, IL POSTINO

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3.15.2007

THINGS I WROTE WHICH I SOMETIMES FORGET I DID ...

You live in this imaginary tale of an unproclaimed cynic. Stricken with an enormous will to live within the boundary of the norm; yet in your pursuit of truth, you find yourself devious, eluding from the line.

What kind of reason justifies one's sickening desparation? What makes up one's desparation in life? When you wake up one summer morning and you see that your youth is fleeing and you panic in the absence of one important light in your life, nothing will ever be complete. YOu have the whole world to give and while you see your offspring with you, you say to yourself", you must be complete." Everyday, that's how you condition you rmind and everyday, you end up lurking in a sea of sadness because you know it could have been better but there's nothing you can do. You dedicate your life to the two most important people - your daughters- envisioning their future, wailful that you might not triumph in giving them the best in life but still working hard to give them everything that they want and you somehow become good at it.You tell yourself: if you will be weak, where else can they get strength from? Your lives revolve around each other - you and them. Your love is incomparable like that of God's - never giving up, protecting. And you forget about yourself.

In the safe confine of solitude, you feel your heart bleeding. Nobody sees it except your soul.Solitude is golden...You reckon the words said of Francis : as gold is tested in fire, so is love in pain. Which kind of reminds you of the analogies in your college aptitude test when you had to determine the given pattern to find the correct answer. Haha. And so you go on and on enunciating what you've given of so unselfishly: sincerity and trust. And it sometimes drives you to contemplate on why you seem to always fail in getting what you deserve. You are loved by your family, surrounded by friends who truly treasure you and whom you cherish over the years. They love you to pieces. What else is there to long for?

Perhaps having to wake up alone for the longest summer and spring (like there is..). Haha. Nobody to kiss your forehead when you need to deviate to your child-like tantrum once in a while. Or that quiet taking by the hand of the person who could have been your sole company when you're sick and you need a hand to walk you to the loo. Or maybe somebody to nag with your senseless, incessant blabbing while watching CNN...

Small things that could mean the world, of which you were denied by fate. Funny as it may seem, but every single night you're in this oblivious struggle of closing your eyes, embracing your favorite Strinne-green patterned Ikea pillow sent by the man who gave you your 1st-born 12 years ago. And it lulls you to your temporary comfort. It's your euphemism to liberty and sadness.

(a letter to myself by my soul in astral projection..)

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3.02.2007

NO LONGER ACHING.

If you could, would you turn the clock back and do things differently? Or, do you replay the memories over and over again and never experience anything new? I guess I'm moving forward. The future travels towards me and we connect to make the NOW...

It turns out that I’d gone past that point a while ago. I am happy now. The past that you never knew no longer aches.
Because you are here, it became something that I simply acknowledge, accept and learn from.Even when I didn't ask because I don't believe that I'd still find happiness, God still keeps on leading you to where I am.
You made it possible for me to understand that happiness lies somewhere and that there's no explanation to how it feels when I wake up and I know that someone truly is there for me without fail.

This is another journey. Through the wonderful ways God presented you to me - consistently, unimaginably...I could never thank HIM enough.
This is one of the few blessed times in my life when my heart feels overwhelmed by something really wonderful and surreal.

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IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHICH ENCOURAGES ME TO LEAVE THIS PLACE I CALL HOME.

Tuck my girls in my arms and fly somewhere not familiar...
And pack our lives up into a baggage, with far more pieces of hopes, inspiration, love, and blessings from God.

I wonder if God can give me that very soon. Just like Dona when we traveled and the nights for her were spent weeping over missing Skyler and her husband and she said the next time she goes out of the country, it will never be without them - I, too, promised myself that.

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