MY BITTERSWEET STATEMENTS IN SUPPORT OF THE FREEDOM TO EXPRESS

2008-12-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

LIKE A STAR, COMING HOME, GRAVITY...
(Their Grammy video.)

I remembered discovering Corinne Bailey Rae's album together with India Arie's, while browsing the new songs in a plane going to Singapore 2 yrs ago and i found myself in the perennial state of loving all of them. Oh, tell me about it. When I landed in Delhi, it took me one week to find her album which they still had to reserve from Mumbai.

This one sung by John Legend was in his Once Again album. It's called Coming Home ( I dedicate this to Ronnie. I always believed he is coming home, even if he's been everywhere. :) ). And JL - my all-time favorite, like how Oprah adored him - I think that he is the next Stevie Wonder in the making.

I suddenly thought of one circumstance in early 2007 when something like this transpired at an identical momentum. Please click: http://bittersweetcharisse.blogspot.com/2007_04_01_archive.html .
Never mind John Mayer. He has been there, an icon, without a word. Though I'd have appreciated it more if Carlos Santana took the guitar from him and played, instead. :)

http://www.imeem.com/sistasoul1/video/TGv3USwZ/corinne_bailey_rae
_john_legend_john_mayer_2007_grammys/

2008-11-29T16:13:00.000-08:00

ON YOUR DAY...

We thought this can be the first of many when we could celebrate together. Only now, you're faraway. But even so, it really doesn't matter. Waiting is courage to me.

To wait is to bring tomorrow close to where I am today.
Happy birthday. I love you so very much.

2008-11-23T18:45:00.000-08:00

WISHFUL THINKING.
( Written today...)

More than how I've wished it for myself, to see your happiness was what I had written in that small book. I've missed you from the day you left me standing outside my house - driving away, leaving Manila until you come home and maybe find me.

2008-11-23T18:43:00.000-08:00

COMING TRUE.
(2008,November 18th)

I've always been your quiet crowd that cheers for you in all your endeavors - you know there will always be somethin' for you and your passion! They're opening themselves before you because you work hard to fulfill them.

A big part of me says I take the refuge from just thinking that I had been there to witness your endeavors being planned but a little unfortunate to be far from you when all else are now coming true. Whatever it is, I'm always proud of you and of what your pursuits have continued becoming. No one could ever truly have said it better than me.

You're so blessed to have people who love you more than you can and believe in your capabilities more than you thought they will. I miss the times when we'd sit and stay beside each other and hear you weave your aspirations. And I'd cheer for you. :) I miss that.

2008-11-23T18:42:00.000-08:00

BRAVER TO SAY.

(2008, November 14th)

The circumstances had hit me and it made me dopey in the most unusual way. I never used to cry quite so much, but most of the time was spent lurking in this space we thought we could have saved as ours - longer, stronger. Made me always wanting to embrace and think of it with my heart and mind for all its love and power.

Despite all that kept us apart now, I'm with you. Your winter jacket buttoned up, zipped-straight to your throat so you won't catch a cold. I didn't have to effuse too much because needless to say, you always know I love you.

2008-11-23T18:40:00.000-08:00

MY NEW DESTINATION.
(2008, November 12th)

I captured the inspiration to write about this today. Finding inspiration in the midst of healing is strange but encouraging at the same time.

I started collecting the manuscripts of my writings again. After almost a year of delaying plus my default procrastination, it came to me that I need now to send them to Ate in 2 months! :) I need it more to be able to fulfill a long standing dream and maybe somehow, even when you won't be around anymore, you'll be proud of me, too. Because that was how we used to talk about it before. :)Looking forward to the publication of your future book, too. Im sure Ate will be there for that.

You know in your heart that I wrote this for you. There was a time when I used to think we had always worked it through and that every plan you and I shared for our own individual interests was such a joy to cherish . I wish that God will shed some light, understanding and forgiveness. Always remember how much we had been thru together.I'm still beckoned by the thought of tomorrow because what we had for long was shaped by that.

2008-11-23T18:37:00.000-08:00

TO WALK AWAY.

(2008, November 10th)

I'm drifting because it was my constant and to walk away from it is a struggle i'll always have to hurdle.After a long time of stretching my arms to try my best in embracing your world, I knew there had to be a break.And if for anything else, I'd like to remember how I asked you not to change and be the same person I saw before you physically left.

Where you are right now, i know it was brought by the demands of your world but it shouldn't have had altered the foundation we long built.

This morning I sat quietly, remembering every word written and said. We kept on slipping further and further away from one another, distance and time lengthened. Where will I find the next Christmases, birthday's and New Year's we looked forward to spending with thereof? We promised that...

I know that NOT too many nights will be wasted on mourning. To express sadness in writing proved more painful than it is said in person. And i also know that each night of sadness is true and needed and enabling me, in some small ways after so many hurtful things were said, to rebuild...If nothing else is left, I hope my love and respect will still shine in every word because you know I stood by you no matter how, what and when.I'll always love you.

2008-11-23T18:29:00.000-08:00

(2008,October 22nd)

WHERE YOU WILL SIT AND CONTEMPLATE YOUR DAY.

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning.
In an open tub whenyour judgement's on the brink.
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite album,
back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep.
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat.
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold....

(excerpt from Brand New Colony - Thanks to my friend,Brew ,for writing this on my blogspot years ago.)

***
I think i've always been your buttoned coat, zipped straight to the throat and collar up so you won't catch a cold! Haven't i been always?:) haha... That's the simplest way to put my role to your life quite literally and into a funny metaphor, haha.

More than how I've wished for myself, to see your happiness was what i've written in that small book. I've missed you from the day you left me standing outside my house - driving away, leaving Manila until you come home in Jan.***

2008-11-23T18:26:00.000-08:00

(2008, October 24th)

MY UNCERTAIN, HAPPY JOURNEY.

For Ronnie.

Our story has always been about leaving and always coming back...And how in this length of time, we stood by together- like the anchor to the ship.I used to think that I lived a significantly imperfect life but I was such a coward to admit it.I found out I was wrong.

I learned from you that it's better to live one's life with truth and imperfection than not being able to be content in trying to be perfect endlessly. I loved you for that. More birthdays and Christmases and New Year's. Yeah. :) Come home soon.

2008-11-23T18:23:00.000-08:00

FOR TOMORROW.

(2008, November 5th)

Sometimes I stumble upon the fear of coming to another day of waiting.And how many times I must have cried because you're not here right now...Too many.
As hard as it gets, we always try to look through all possibilities for more days and stories to be had together. And birthdays,and Christmases, summers...

For all our differences which we manage to understand and accept along the way - what used to be the road ahead, as i see now, will no longer be a road ahead because we're on it now... I hope that time will prove me right. Only time is all i need to keep me waiting so I could see you again in this sandbox built by believing that there's tomorrow.

SOME MORE WAITING.

2008-11-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

SOME MORE WAITING.
(2008, November 3rd)

To wake up quietly always wanting to open my eyes to this brand new day. And moving along so much stronger. I never realised I will be in this situation when the last minutes count.
To move forward after you recall what's been done and forgive yourself and the others that hurt you... Hope for some more mornings when everything just seems alright.

I'm writing for people who dream for the night to end and wait for the light of day to cast its ray to a brand new beginning.

LAST TWITTERING FOR THE DAY.

2008-09-06T00:04:00.000-07:00

LAST TWITTERING FOR THE DAY.

1. Wanting to feel dead sleepy at 3pm.
2. Oh,Southern Grass at Bela Bar at 10pm!!!
3. Maybe Wam might remember our shoot.:)

http://twitter.com/_charisse
7 Sept 2008

TWITTERING.

2008-09-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

TWITTERING...

1. Fighting loneliness up to the last minute I can be awake.
2. Spent 2 hours on an overseas telebabad from SF.
3. Twitter & sleep...

8 minutes ago from web
http://twitter.com/_charisse

TWITTERING...

2008-09-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

TWITTERING.

1.In a waking moment.
2.Thinking of Ronnie...what could have happened.
3. Will eat the crabs on the table with Roxeanne Blue!
4. Smiling, but..

Yesterday, September 05, 2008, 10:27:35 PM
http://twitter.com/_charisse

2008-08-23T14:43:00.000-07:00

WHAT USED TO BE OUR SANDBOX...
(sandbox: n. A low box filled with sand for children to throw and play in. )

This was how it was to write about you. Besides, we knew that aside from the MANY other things mundane (like what appetizer to eat or you finishing up the coffee i always forget to drink) and the metaphysical (our never ending stories) we both love doing - it's one of the best things we are so most passionate about! Therefore, I envision our own version of Lonely Planet or Animal Planet (remember the poor baby Taz devil?) or Nat Gen and how we would have chronicled the lives of animals, people, places and history brilliantly. Grin.

Though I'm prouder if people will see (soon!) the work you did on your dad's film bio on DVD as a counterpart of the book your family launched last week. The time you had to spend sleepless in the studio from January to July doing everything to meet your target date, which you did - and not havin anythin except coffee, water and power drink just to get by awake to finish everythin! Oh, ask me about those long months.

I'd like for the readers to know how incomparable you are and if you were a dfferent person I'd still say the same. Which means I am unbiased to say that you are eloquent, articulate, funny, creative and colorful! Perhaps, to put it in a simpler perspective - the Ronnie I had always expected for everyone to see.

I always have been the quiet crowd that cheered for you on your current endeavor -you know there will always be somethin' for you and your passion, huh. I saw the future coming, giving you back what used to be the dream which is now in the form of reality. I'm praying that it flows like a river. Really. I always never told you but as hard as i try not to say it - thank you for staying by my side all this time in your own, different ways.

Prayful that God will gve you more so you won't have to leave for long. The altered reality we never planned somehow had taken us close together. And this will go on and on and on.

________________________
written in July, 2008.
http://www.bittersweetcharisse.blogspot.com/
http://www.charisseinhersoultrain.webpress..com/

* Photo taken by Calvin Flores. Thanks, Shoti.*

2008-08-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

WAM'S WORLD IN A SHUTTER SPEED.

http://www.electricthirdeye.blogspot.com/ (wam molina)

Relish by viewing. As he captured fleeting beauty through his rangefinder before it can disappear forever.

2008-08-22T03:50:00.001-07:00

GRIEF.

For the first time today, I woke up with this kind of grief I never felt for such a long time. I felt a loss and it hit me. Somehow, when you get used to the presence of someone very dear to your heart, who understood you and knew you and accepted your imperfections the same way you did - you never saw the loss coming.

I am grieving. And yet, happy for what i gained...

2008-08-22T03:41:00.000-07:00

RETROSPECT OF MY GRIEVING.

There is no lack of drama in my life. I have more than enough 3-ring circus materials for writing; but even so, I always approach each goodbye with hope for a better day.

-THE SUM OF OUR DAYS

2008-08-18T02:04:00.000-07:00

HOW WAM & ROXEANNE HAVE GROWN.

All of these I'm doing for both of you to make sure you grow up stronger, wiser, loving and respecting the people around you.
You both have your own purpose to live. I know that wherever destiny will take you, you will take care of each other until you grow older.

2008-08-18T00:52:00.000-07:00

INAH TOOK SHOTS OF ME.
Saturday, August 9th.

2008-08-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

WAKING MOMENT.

I feel a million times stronger and more sure of myself. Of what i want to be. And where will I be. Now, my waking moments spin around Wam and Roxeanne, my life at work, far away . In this journey, i had lost priceless people. What's important in the present is what I have - which I swear, I never asked God to give me but how thankful I am for having.

2008-08-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

PRECIOUS WORDS FROM JOEY.

Hi Cha,

Thanks so much for the kindest words you chose in the comment you left on my profile page.

Such acts of generosity are most precious ... and rare nowadays.

Joey

(I told Direk Joey yesterday how much he is like the same soul, always funny and larger than life. Never boring. Salamat, Joey. I'll bump into you very soon! :) )

2008-08-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

KINDRED.

Out of curiousity, I read the email a stranger wrote in my My Space messaging. And I thought it was so beautiful and endearing to the heart. One thing I said to Faith, Chi and Shem the other day : when I write, there's succor when I know someone's reading it. And are moved.

Please read the excerpt of what one kindred spirit from 10,000 miles away wrote to me. Am I bad that I never said thanks directly! ....

Charisse, I just think your a very talented writer where your thoughts come out clearly and originally on the page, I enjoyed reading what pieces I did and I'll get into your blog and see what creativity you have there to woo me. I appreciate good writing because I'm a poet and writer myself and artist now as well. September I have plans to take guitar lessons, so life is amazingly what you make of it, how much you put in equates to what you get out. All too true we never get anything out of things that don't inspire us or move us in some way, but we have to explore, put in the time to find out, relationships are quite similar in that way come to think about it.

Incidentally; I thought your pics you shared are quite wonderful, your daughters are angels and my thoughts reading the Taj Mahal pic was; magnificent is the only word that describes you, quite honestly it's true and I'm totally honest about thinking that because I only want to deal with the truth period and revealing what those thoughts are is simply affirming what is already true.

Nice to meet you, I hope we can have some deep and meaningful conversations in the near future, I would love that immensely.

Michael

2008-01-29T22:27:00.001-08:00

OUR SYMBIOTIC BOND.

"Certain mistakes in the past had given us a life trauma. We both, somehow, consciously or subconsciously would like to correct them - sa application lang tayo nagkaiba (only our application on how to correct them differed from each other).

While you try to maintain your status quo to maintain your idealism, I had given up on going through a road block and decided to take another road to follow. Both our roads are right, but only if we manage to reach our own destinations."

(Oh well, I'm sure you smile as you read this being published upon my constant pledge that I won't plagiarize you. Grin. As a reaction to your "action vs. reaction mantra," I had told you that i will give you credit where its due, especially for something you wrote/said/shared that gave true meaning to human nature, especially mine. Haha.

Thank you, Ronnie. Can I just say that you freed my mind from this prison cell. You made me stronger somehow. Although i know that you still see me not following the advice, I am trying my best to be braver without the fear of losing the values that shaped me. For more of our writings. I'm happy that you're now here.)

* Photo taken by Calvin Flores, Conspiracy - January 14, 2008.*

2008-01-29T21:48:00.000-08:00

RONNIE'S CONSTANT BLOGGED ADVICE (LoL).

I'll have them published with your permission in a matter of days. Still finding the right moment where it's necessary. Grin.

Jan., 2008.

2008-01-28T23:42:00.000-08:00

LETTER FROM A MOTHER .
(Dear MALAYA - this was the comment your mom posted when I published the poem EYES OPEN WIDE which you gave me in February 2006. For what it's worth, i told you I am compelled to publish it for its power and beauty to guide you wherever that wind had taken you.
Keep on flying through your art, poetry and music. )

Dear Charisse,

I, too, love Ronald. Very much! I think no one, except the Lord, can love him more than I do. No matter what, I will always be there for him - bearing his burden with him, sharing his pain, rejoicing in his victories, sorrowing in his failures, praying for his success and well-being, loving him until the very last breath of my soul!

All the world may walk out on him, but I will always be here for him. He will never be a throw-away for me. Instead, next to my salvation, Ron will always be God's greatest gift to me.

Thank you for believing in him, for your gracious words of encouragement and appreciation. Ronald must be thinking highly of you.Yes, Ron is a great friend. But you know what? He is even greater as a son. I know. I am his mom.

* Malaya is Ronald Pasion.

2008-01-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

SATURDAY REHEARSALS AT BALLET MANILA.

The previous Saturday, I took a respite from the monotony of my current domestic bliss and preferred to hang around the Elizalde compound on Donada St. where ( as everyone knows) the BM Company holds its residence. My daughter Roxeanne, with her regular weekend class, while i mingled with the seasoned and interesting stage mothers who lingered the place or sat with everyone overlooking the main hall.Lisa ( Macuja- Elizalde) nodded at me and pointed to the closest chair i can sit so i wouldn't have to waste my effort adjusting my lens from a 25meter distance to a kinda-measured-like-5-meter-distance from where they were doing the warm up for Don Quixote.

This was how i emphasized each photograph, feeling like a real neo-photographer who didn't care if the camera was pointed at P or AV or if t was under-exposed of misfocused. I just wanted to capture that moment accompanied by piano and they all looked regal and very graceful, especially Lisa and Osias (Barroso).At that time, people from CTV were shooting what's going on around the compound for a documentary on Ms. Lisa, I think. So i felt like another wanna-be , rubbing elbows. Hehe.

(I had the chronological description per photo in my multiply site and for some strange reasons, this blog cannot put them in their freaking order! As it should have been read in multiply, pardon me if the photos were shuffled.

* Roxeanne shying away, what's new? :

*With Teacher Sophie doing the stretching.

*That's Lisa on the floor.
*With the company, warming up.

* My daughter standing like an aspiring ballerina with the long, straight neck and body. I wonder if this will have a nt-so-good effect on her because she hates becoming fat, just like me but the thing is - i never had the faintest of dicipline for the last 2 months since i left IBM.

Well, Ronnie told me time and again and the latest was some hours ago that i should accept my body's imperfection and if i cant change anything anymore, i should begin changing my attitude towards it.Nice thought from a rockstar! :)

2007-11-21T09:35:00.000-08:00

HAPPINESS SHINING.

When every single day proves to be a quiet struggle to be able to catch up with time, I always sleep on the sadness that befalls me when I think about how much I am robbed of the opportunity to make everyone see that you make my life different in your very limited way, unimaginably.
I'd like to think that this is not just a ruse to blind myself. But it's sweet. Though I know that I will never have the chance to always stay beside you like others do, I'm content at the thought that when I do, the laughter , joy and warmth linger - like an unspoken word at the tip of your tongue and you can't get over the very thought of it.

2007-11-12T12:42:00.000-08:00

MOMENT OF BLISS.

It's unconceivable to think of my near future not entering the IBM building beginning 3 days from now.
After 3 years of choosing to stay and not leaving, trying to fit in a multitude of incomparable, diversed attitude of people...And then, I stopped thinking and went outside to sit. I said to myself, i will not remember it from today. I'll only remember the people who made huge, positive effect on me and my character. They know who they are, I guess.

It's a quiet evening.
I loved the colours that painted the sky, as i stayed and sat at erica's terrace. I loved the feeling of buzzy, happy, stillness that overcame me as I sipped my caramel macchiato bought for me by Aska from Starbucks Adriatico and watched the clouds skid along overhead.
I will pull through, as always.

2007-11-09T18:36:00.000-08:00

SO MY STORY ENCOMPASSES A FEW THINGS.

When your children were way, way younger, it's very impossible to imagine a life where they will not live with you, where you will not see them everyday or know what they're doing.

2007-11-09T18:27:00.000-08:00

SOMETHING ABOUT THE EBBS & FLOWS.

For my good friend,Edward.

I'd like to think that there still new horizons for you, new worlds. And everything that fate hurls at you will always create a better man in your person. I really, really, adore this photo! And yeah, it seems like a place where solitude is golden. Maybe you should try seeking refuge in Boracay or la Union! :) See? What i wrote about that silent flowing of sea water - the one that washes the feet when someone walks along the shore...This is the caption i would write for this one.

Why the hell did you get rid of the hair???

2007-11-09T07:17:00.000-08:00

TRUSTING.

There can be many small mistakes that we can do, simply by trusting, which may change our lives in a snap. How, when you throw yourself to it with open arms, you still get betrayed.

2007-11-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

TIME.

Always in your hands.

MY SUNSHINY MIND FINDS PEACE IN SAYING.

2007-11-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

MY SUNSHINY MIND FINDS PEACE IN SAYING.

That...

For the record, apart from time and lots of thinking, there were a few things that helped my heart and head to heal over the years after the uncontrollable up's & down's.
Life still rises up and overwhelms me and for the past year I’ve managed to live without regularly panicking and falling apart. :

1. I write every evening . I cannot recommend this highly enough, both as a creative exercise and also as a self-counseling technique.

2.If I needed a hug and there was no one there cuz Roxeanne & Wam are not at home, when there was no-one available right then,I remind myself that the universe could give me a hug. :)

3. I use beautiful paper to write letters to people I cared about.

4.I sleep when i can.

5. I go to Starbucks, MNG, ZARA, MNG & MNG!!! with my girls & friends.

6. I let myself cry.

7. I think about the kind people i came across with in this entire life and all the beautiful things they had done for me...

8. I forget about work.

I’d been able to articulate some changes which hopefully will make certain aspects of my life more rewarding. Now it’s a matter of seeing if those changes can be put in place before worrying about what will happen next. Life is good. Don't we all feel it sometimes?

Your Belief.

2007-10-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

YOUR BELIEF.

"The wind always blows in different directions.
but wherever it goes, you will always hear my voice whispering...
That i believe in you.
Keep being the beautiful person that you are...
Your friendship is one of my strenghts and smiles.
keep flyin but don't get burned under sun. "

(Ron -it moved me when you wrote that.
Thank you for your incessant reminder.
I couldn't nudge my surgeon to give me morphine! *grin*
And I'd like to be oblivious to the idea that you were
writing that in boracay, adrift in melancholy. Thank you fort he 15 years of lasting inspiration and soul-plane... )

Written on 19 July, 2005 9:25pm

An Excerpt From The Iceman, A Short Story.

2007-10-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

AN EXCERPT FROM THE ICEMAN.

I love you, he says. I understand this well. The Iceman loves me. But then, from some far-off place, a wind stirs and blows his white, frozen words away...away into the past.. I cry..Icy tears stream down my face..In our faraway, frozen home at the SOuth Pole...Now, there is almost nothin' left of my former self. Sometimes I forget that I ever even had it....."

--- from The Iceman, in Vintage Murakami

2007-06-29T07:48:00.000-07:00

A SHORT MUSING FROM BEN.

"It's been a while. my absence has not changed the turning of the tides or ceased the cycles of the moon. i fall in deep respect to the order of things, to Him who is cause of such effects. i send words into the wind, lyrics of goodness, prayers that breeze through life. here, the birds fly."

(Benjamin Padero is a documentarist and production designer- a gifted aftermath in human form of U.P. Fine Arts and of Mowelfund... He writes! his LIFE IS prose has been, for 2 yrs now, one of his postings which i keep in my file & which i have posted 2 yrs ago in my blogspot - with his permission! *grin* Ben, thank you for this one. May you continue being one, deep soul whose contribution to this world is your art. )

Check his domain & conquests: http://www.paderewski.tk/

2007-06-11T04:08:00.000-07:00

NEAR DEATH.

I thought i will never be able to return. I'm thankful I did.
06.10.07

2007-05-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

I HOPE EVERYDAY IS LIKE SUNDAY.

...spoke with my daughters who are on vacation with Tita Erica.

...slept well, woke up late...laughed with G last night & we listened to Sonia's
Bossa Nova version of "Always Somethin' There To Remind Me" over
the phone...*smiling...happy...*

... reading the preface of the Witch of Portobello - my newest book of P. Coelho.

...went to work and was welcomed by a happy crowd...smiling faces...truly dedicated people.

...sausage with egg McMuffin for breakfast with these happy crowd and smiling faces! :)

... Starbucks on a Sunday morning.

...began writing more for my blog today, after a month of limbing out of my creative psyche.

...new blog skin - fresh and green!

...getting ready to go home and see my daughters again later.

...looking forward to having my ticket rebooked in December? And pay 7000 bucks
for the rebooking? Hell, no...I think i really have to say goodbye to Bangkok and
consider saving my vacation leave credits for Diwali in November as planned...
Maybe yes, maybe no...

...i love this day...how come Sunday has its way of putting you on your toes and makes you think of the present , past and future all at the same time? :) and your frown turns into smile...

2007-05-26T21:51:00.000-07:00

THIS LIFE-FULFILLING SACRIFICE...

Sometimes life snaps at you and wakes you up at random - like how it scares you when you see a shady human form from your periphery but the space is empty when you look the 2nd time...
It just shows that often you need to think a little bit harder
to realise what treasures you already have.
Your children. Your parents, brothers or sisters...And it feels good...

It made me focus on the thought that i seldom got time to really spend for Wam and Roxeanne...
It's mostly, for the last 9 months, work since I left Sprint. And then lived in India, came back, and it's work again... And it's taking its toll on me...
I don't wanna lose my grasp on my daughters' lives ever, that's for sure...
I like myself to be always present when Roxeanne takes her recital in her ice-skating or ballet and Wam in her classical guitar...
And I'm thinking of leaving work to experience that with my girls 100% now...
(Or maybe take them to Vienna to finally live there...if i win the lottery! Haha...)

And I kinda picked up somethin' from Yasmin the other day that we have to take care of our mothers while they are still not so old and tell them we love them as often as we can...
It hit me...I've been too engrossed in my work and it's not improving the quality of life i should have with my family. ..More than anyone, I love my mother and daughters. And from today, I'll reshuffle my priorities and make my job second to them... And cancel my travel to Bangkok on the 29th, which means forfeiting the ticket. But i don't mind, anyhow. I realised there are some things we must sacrifice to be able to completely understand life's truest meaning...

I like how my behavior changes when I talk about the people closest to me...
I get high and meaningful.

2007-04-22T00:10:00.000-07:00

WHAT'S BLOWING ME AWAY THE PAST 2 DAYS?

I spent the entire days playing John Legend and Jack Johnson and Corrinne Rae Bailey...
Why? Intoxication of some sort? It's painful, unimaginable...

2007-04-15T01:28:00.000-07:00

MY FAVORITE PHOTOS WITH BAMBAM.

I just love this solo headshot of you by Bob, Bam...
Don't you just even think that we are so
blessed to look really younger?
Hahaha. I think it's because you pray for me everyday
and i can't get enough of your uber-consistent
Daily Bread messages which i read without a fail.
Yeah, that's what's keeping us look younger. Grin.

I look dark and shady...

Very cute. I think it has to do w/ the light

Nice is good...

2007-03-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

From City Of Angels .

What kind of destiny is it that allowed 2 people to meet
when it knows that they can never meet again?

2007-03-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

NIETZSCHE.

Lately, I have been whiling away my precious time just reading Friedrich Nietzsche's Beyond Good and Evil.

I don't know why. It seems what I read from Bartlett's lodged permanently in my mind.
Whatever.

2007-03-26T08:26:00.000-07:00

MORNINGS.

Naked, you are simple as one of your hands,
Smooth, earthy, small, transparent, round
You have moon-lines, apple-pathways.
Naked, you are slender as a naked grain of wheat.

Naked, you are blue as a night in Cuba;
You have vines and stars in your hair;
Naked you are spacious and
Yellow as summer in a golden church.

Naked, you are tiny as one of your nails -
curved, subtle, rosy, till the day is born
and you withdraw to the underground world,

As if down a long tunnel of clothing
and of chores: your clear light dims, gets dressed
Drops its leaves;
and becomes a naked hand again.

-Pablo Neruda, IL POSTINO

2007-03-15T02:38:00.000-07:00

THINGS I WROTE WHICH I SOMETIMES FORGET I DID ...

You live in this imaginary tale of an unproclaimed cynic. Stricken with an enormous will to live within the boundary of the norm; yet in your pursuit of truth, you find yourself devious, eluding from the line.

What kind of reason justifies one's sickening desparation? What makes up one's desparation in life? When you wake up one summer morning and you see that your youth is fleeing and you panic in the absence of one important light in your life, nothing will ever be complete. YOu have the whole world to give and while you see your offspring with you, you say to yourself", you must be complete." Everyday, that's how you condition you rmind and everyday, you end up lurking in a sea of sadness because you know it could have been better but there's nothing you can do. You dedicate your life to the two most important people - your daughters- envisioning their future, wailful that you might not triumph in giving them the best in life but still working hard to give them everything that they want and you somehow become good at it.You tell yourself: if you will be weak, where else can they get strength from? Your lives revolve around each other - you and them. Your love is incomparable like that of God's - never giving up, protecting. And you forget about yourself.

In the safe confine of solitude, you feel your heart bleeding. Nobody sees it except your soul.Solitude is golden...You reckon the words said of Francis : as gold is tested in fire, so is love in pain. Which kind of reminds you of the analogies in your college aptitude test when you had to determine the given pattern to find the correct answer. Haha. And so you go on and on enunciating what you've given of so unselfishly: sincerity and trust. And it sometimes drives you to contemplate on why you seem to always fail in getting what you deserve. You are loved by your family, surrounded by friends who truly treasure you and whom you cherish over the years. They love you to pieces. What else is there to long for?

Perhaps having to wake up alone for the longest summer and spring (like there is..). Haha. Nobody to kiss your forehead when you need to deviate to your child-like tantrum once in a while. Or that quiet taking by the hand of the person who could have been your sole company when you're sick and you need a hand to walk you to the loo. Or maybe somebody to nag with your senseless, incessant blabbing while watching CNN...

Small things that could mean the world, of which you were denied by fate. Funny as it may seem, but every single night you're in this oblivious struggle of closing your eyes, embracing your favorite Strinne-green patterned Ikea pillow sent by the man who gave you your 1st-born 12 years ago. And it lulls you to your temporary comfort. It's your euphemism to liberty and sadness.

(a letter to myself by my soul in astral projection..)

2007-03-02T04:11:00.000-08:00

NO LONGER ACHING.

If you could, would you turn the clock back and do things differently? Or, do you replay the memories over and over again and never experience anything new? I guess I'm moving forward. The future travels towards me and we connect to make the NOW...

It turns out that I’d gone past that point a while ago. I am happy now. The past that you never knew no longer aches.
Because you are here, it became something that I simply acknowledge, accept and learn from.Even when I didn't ask because I don't believe that I'd still find happiness, God still keeps on leading you to where I am.
You made it possible for me to understand that happiness lies somewhere and that there's no explanation to how it feels when I wake up and I know that someone truly is there for me without fail.

This is another journey. Through the wonderful ways God presented you to me - consistently, unimaginably...I could never thank HIM enough.
This is one of the few blessed times in my life when my heart feels overwhelmed by something really wonderful and surreal.

2007-03-02T03:53:00.000-08:00

IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHICH ENCOURAGES ME TO LEAVE THIS PLACE I CALL HOME.

Tuck my girls in my arms and fly somewhere not familiar...
And pack our lives up into a baggage, with far more pieces of hopes, inspiration, love, and blessings from God.

I wonder if God can give me that very soon. Just like Dona when we traveled and the nights for her were spent weeping over missing Skyler and her husband and she said the next time she goes out of the country, it will never be without them - I, too, promised myself that.

2007-02-23T02:22:00.000-08:00

MOVING.

I'm moving forward. And at the same time the future travels towards me
and we collide to make the now...

If you could, would you turn the clock back and do things differently? Or, do you replay the memories over and over again and never experience anything new?
It turns out that I’d gone past that point a while ago. I am happy.

2007-02-23T01:01:00.000-08:00

FOR MALAYA.

*I wrote and sent this to Ron on July 6, 2005 06:58 AM .
Four days after my operation when i realised

that nothing is more powerful than a prayer.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my brother.
FOr 17 years, I never forget. *

2007-02-23T00:11:00.000-08:00

IT'S HAZY. HAPPY.FREEING.

You look at yourself in the mirror and you see an image of someone a little of a far cry from how you thought you once were, and you experience lethargy....You looked back again.And pondered on how much of your lifetime was spent being happy..Plus the many years that passed you by. Replaced by the strength and wisdom you thought you never had but they're evident in your two eyes....

You outgrow the lethargy, then it's FREEDOM....You're smiling now.....

2007-01-24T09:02:00.000-08:00

SUKIYAKI...

But in reality, you and I will never be. You took your love away from me.

- played by Tuck Andres, my favorite guitarist 3rd to Eric Clapton and my daughter Wam...

2007-01-24T08:59:00.000-08:00

ONE WITH OLI.
*in nostalgia to my response to oliver's blog posting on 5/3/2006*

Stilnox, according to my friend, desecrates one's luxury of solitude. It slows down our senses.*grin*I just wanna say that like you, i find my pleasure in the comfort of my own self, sometimes. solitude is golden when we do not allow it to overcome us.
But in this age, what matters most is what we already have, than to continue longing for someone who will never be there. and truth be told, there's nothing more uplifting than to sit in silence with someone you care about beside you without any uttered word, and still you understand each other.I wish i had that luxury now. It's priceless, yet I'm not capable of having.
(i posted this as a comment on Oli's blog today.)

2007-01-24T08:49:00.000-08:00

THE SIMPLE THINGS THAT MATTER
(posted initially on 9/22/2004)...

I had such a beautiful time the last 2 days, just like an epiphany.And my awakening just sank in tonight after I came across a blog that a friend wrote. And I realised how emotionally freeing it will be to just count our blessings and not delve on the things that really will not matter but we keep on trying to believe they do..

I had the opportunity to deal with a lot of eye-opening moments recently. I call it opportunity because I have always believed that anything that happens that defies a person's standards for being happy is an opportunity to enrich one's soul and that it's meant to happen for some reasons. I'd like to apply this to a friendship which you tried so hard to keep and thinking that because you wanted so much for it to flourish, maybe the world will conspire with you for it to happen. Just like the oversimplified version of the new-age philosophy that things are possible when you want to achieve them.

But then there are a lot of issues to consider that you have overlooked while you are in the process . And you start asking questions that somehow complicate the issues even more. And at the back of your mind you wanted to let go, but you can't. Because you still believe that the universe will help you. Other than that, everyday manifests the struggle and you realize what the heck is this all about? How can you let another person desecrate your own concept of friendship? This, to me, is the saddest point of my existence right now..

Everything I learned just now. And for me to be able to absorb its rationale, I needed somebody to crack my brain open and extract the mindset of a hopeless cranium which still prays hard for that friendship to be saved... It's not what my emotion speaks of, good thing my will is stronger than my heart.

So I rest that case of optimism towards the shits. I realised it's not gonna do any good to the upliftment of my soul. It still did enrich it, but I leave it to that level.
Time for me to move on..After all, we only realise one's lost when we can't find them anymore...:)

I wrote this in the spirit of loyalty to my soul. To hope that it be read in the same spirit....

(it may be happening the 2nd time.)
3:57 PM

FLEETING MUSING.

2006-12-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

FLEETING...

Sometimes I think about how much you spoiled me like a princess that I couldn't ask for anything anymore.

NO ORDINARY MORNING

2006-11-19T09:26:00.000-08:00

NO ORDINARY MORNING...

I find it monumental to have this sudden need to connect with my old friends when I woke up today. It's nearly 4am - I felt so alone, opening my eyes to this stillness, the Mp3 at song number 89. Waking moments for me would be playing Tuck and PAtti's Up On The Roof or Sukiyaki, a book beneath my pillow, seeing my red notebook behind my butt and an uncapped sign pen smudging my bedsheet with its ink...And Erica's nightcap messages(Her messages are like the dusk and dawn of my daily life. - hehe)!

Monumental early morning messages sent to:

Boracay (Ron)
Malate (Erica)
Camp JOhn Hay (Joe)
BAguio (Sam, Azra and Sam)
PBCOM TOwer (haha)
San Francisco (Lizette)
Rome (Jaja)
New Delhi (Neha)
To Anna, Redge, Aaron,Dennie, Pau, Mike, Del, etc...
After, I felt whole again. What is more extraordinary than to know you have this multitude of wonderful people in your life?

Redge told me:"This is the bond we have created, so let's go to Baguio this weeend!" *Grin* If it's Baguio, then I have to let Sam, Joe and Benjo know that I am coming! This is cool.

Joe: I am so dying to have my capuccino in your very own Fillng Station's Figaro again, and have our morning chitchat near the outdoor heater within a 3-meter radius from the door. And be with the artsy fartsy crowd of Baguio at night! I miss themmmm!

I am so lucky, after all. :)

posted in my friendster - 05,2006.

LONGER

2006-03-07T17:15:00.000-08:00

LONGER.

Taller that any tree ever grew. deeper than any forest primieval.
i'll be in love with you.

-Longer, from About Schmidt.

MY ANGEL.

2006-02-23T02:04:00.000-08:00

ANGEL.
This was Ish (Iris' baby girl's left foot after being born).

If only the world had given me a better choice, I would have opened up your eyes to the beauty of life. Give you this lifetime comfort of how it is to be quietly carried by the arms of your mother.

I think of you before I sleep. If I will have another you ever.
Where you are, in my mind, you are safe. No longer prone to mundane sacrifice and temporal pain. Remember I never discounted your worth. I guess I will be forever asking myself if what's best for me would mean not having a chance to carry you, hold you, take care of you in the future.

Nothing in this world I would have wanted than to give you the best thing that you should have deserved.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

2006-02-23T00:28:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SADMAN.

You just told me a while ago that in our world, time has no hands. I often wonder what is it with our friendship that truly, always makes me feel being embraced by it when I suffer from a well of grief.

Wherever I go and whatever I become, it's going to be with you everywhere. You let me know that I can achieve anything. And on those days when the world just overwhelms me and I can barely even move, you make me feel and remind me that you are there.

Ron, you are my bestfriend,my brother, my soulmate and the platonic love of my life.
Thank you for being there. I love you, I trust you and as you believe in my potential - I, too ,know the great things you achieved and will achieve throughout your lifetime without me.
Happy birthday.

(Ronald a.k.a. Malaya a.k.a. The Sadman, of phenomenal WARP *teehee*, is an artist I am so proud of. A brother to me. The only male friend I can muster i love you to without cringing out of sick desperation. Because he understands. My soul's supplement. My alter ego. My true friend of 16 years. The one I used to ride the LRT with. Cried with. Built all the dreams of my youth with. He renews my soul. Our friendship will never falter. We have proven.)

THANK YOU.

2006-02-22T19:16:00.000-08:00

THANK YOU.

For letting me publish this beautiful poem ( EYES OPEN WIDE) you posted on my myspace profile. *hugs*
This goes for WINTERCHILL as well.

I support your art and poetry.

(Malaya is Ronald Pasion. The Sadman. The man who will forever help me paint the canvass of my dreams. Enough said, brother.)

EYES OPEN WIDE

2006-02-22T18:57:00.000-08:00

EYES OPEN WIDE

a cloaked romance
death has prepared
synchronized intuitions
lost in despair
sink and be gone
vanish in endless trails
sing and dance
on a crucial affair
bleed in love
down on the drain
i lost my smiles
when you walked away
blank and diguised
bloated sanity
colorless sky
a dead rainbow cries
as the lovers dies
on the same way
they became alive
now dreamer wakes
with blood in the eyes
calling his cabinet
of static beliefs
let me embrace silence
as i once did
before the world thought
i'm better undead.

-MALAYA a.k.a. The Sadman

WINTERCHILL

2006-02-22T18:17:00.000-08:00

WINTERCHILL.

...flying on someone elses wings on a borrowed wind...
...they found each other and shared dreams...
...she whispered melancholiness and he jerked in pain...
...his eyes was wet and she held him shaking...
...two souls in the savage garden...
...where truth is a luxury...

...he wants her...
...but he knows it wasn't the right time yet...
...he could feel her always, with no effort...
...he loves the way she smiles...
...her lovely voice...
...her intellect...
...her world behind her eyes...

...then a new wind came...
...she bacme quiet, then still...
...then slowly she glided away...
...not knowing what that his heart was weeping...
...bleeding...

...he wants her...
...but it wasn't the right time yet then...
...he was still flying on someone elses wings...
...on a borrowed wind...
...he wants there own sky...
...there own freedom...
...there own wings...
...there own songs in the wind...
...but it was too late, she no longer can't wait....

...so there he was alone in the wind that never came...

-MALAYA

SPREADING WINGS.

2006-02-21T00:59:00.000-08:00

SPREADING WINGS.

Tomorrow, I will be calling Dara David! My former colleague Mick was offering me a stint to write for clickthecity.com, courtesy of Dara. This is one of those opportunities I would bet my arm not missing! For one, I don't call it moonlighting at all. I label it a calling to my passion. I hope that Dara would give me a shot.

Same thing goes to my artist friend Bob Suzara who owns AdFocus, who never fails to remind me to write copies fro some of his clients. *grin*mwah*.

Thank you, people, for believing in my talent. I know that if Ronald is reading this right now, he will be delighted to know that after so many times he attempted to crack my skull open, here are the opportunities coming my way without giving up on my bread and butter. (Suddenly, I am reminded of my conversation with Kidlat Tahimik during one of Joe's artistic iteneraries the last time we visited Baguio.)Ron, your inspiration is taking me to the horizon you used to paint for me. I will unearth that, promise.

AFTER THE STORM

2006-02-20T23:35:00.000-08:00

AFTER THE STORM.

Time weighs down on you like an old, ambiguous dream.When you wanted to pursue happines at an arm's length, it veers from you like the strong, drifting wind initiating the grand chase of your lifetime and it leaves you gasping for breath, unable to win the race. Where has it gone?

I've had a motley of chances with time trying to chase that drifting wind. Two chances at life. And in between, I had asked God if I am still worthy to live a life that's far too different from the one I used to live. It seems to me that as I grew older, I had lost the spirituality of my youth, when I'd spend long hours inside the church to commune with HIM... I miss that phase. When life was as plain as white, devoid of complexities: rearing my little daughters, bringing them to school, doing homeworks with them, waitng for my husband to come home, praying in bed, waking up thanking the Lord for a beautiful day. All domesticated pleasures.

These are the things that can pierce me with longing when I am displaced from them by time's whim.

Our dreams took them away.

And day after day is heartbreak each time they cross my mind. If I have the chance to maneuver the hands of time back to relive those simple pleasures, I'd grab it with my life. Shield my family from every storm that comes to make sure no one will leave... I crossed paths with those storms many times over. I am still here, out of it, not the same person I was when I walked in. And after the storm, It's still the 3 of us: myself and my daughters by my side. I've alaways prayed to God that, as they grow old, may they remember and carry with them mommy's love. I know they will... And I wouldn't care anymore if the rest of the world forgets.

I write this for Wam and Roxeanne. They are my witness to all the storms I surpassed. I may have done my own mistakes but I know that no matter what, they will always choose the same mother over and over again without a fail.
I do not know if I still could picture the sun. Perhaps I will keep on running after that strong, drifting wind. And if I catch it, I will never ever let it slip through my hands again.

God is good.

PROCRASTINATING MACHINE, I AM.

2005-12-17T19:16:00.000-08:00

I AM PROCRASTINATION IN HUMAN FORM.

Just recently, I had suffered from chronic Powerbooks rummaging.First, because I 've waited for the store to finally release The Zahir last October; second, because I got amused by the overflowing new stocks of ALLLLL Murakami books,including Norwegian Wood which had been invisible from the shelves for a few months. Lastly, the 2nd book by British writer Paul Golding called Senseless took me away quite uniquely, as opposed to my usual musing at the sight of beautifully written sentences witten by other writers. His writing style was Kafkaish, only Kafka wrote with detailed, transparent, crisp emotion like you can actually feel his fear when he wrote Letter To My Father... While Golding seemed Gaelic. :)

So I bought all of them like I could finish reading them in no time. As always, after almost 30 days, I'm on Chapter 12 of South of the Border West of the Sun, chapter 2 of Kafka On The Shore, Chapter 1 of Senseless, almost halfway through Poems To Set You Free (a small, hardbound book in magenta of contemporary hardcore poems given to me by erica) and done with He's Just Not That Into You( by Greg Behrendt, writer for Sex and The City, also from Erica).

Here goes the procastinating machine again. Eager at the smell of new books to read - don't we all love the smell of them? It's just that the problem with me right now is that my networking with old friends have gone extensive, dating far back to high school. Plus my Sundays will always be at Timezone and dining out with my 2 girls and Erica's brood until we drop at the sight of the widest, circled yawn on Roxeanne's face.
In short, no time to read,as of this writing.

Just to give you an idea, here are the lists of my current passion.

Latest in my shelf:
1. The Zahir , Paulo Coelho
2. South of the Border, West of the Sun : Haruki Murakami
3. Kafka On The Shore : Haruki Murakami
4. He's Just Not That Into You : Greg Behrendt
5. Poems To Set You Free (forgot the Author as I type this in my office)
6. Senseless : Paul Golding

Latest in my CD collections for Nov. in support of PARI (Read: I only buy authentic):
1. Sacred Love : Sting's latest including my fave Shape Of My Heart
2. True Faith: Eto Hits Acoustics
3. Timeless : Julia Fordham
4. Radiohead's CD w/ Fake Plastic Trees
5. Kelly Clarkson ( I gave to my youngest)
6. Black Eyed Peas( I gave to my eldest)
7. Sergio Mendez
8. Workshy

After My Lonnngg Wait, I found these films On Sale at Music 1:
1. Lost In Translation
2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
3. My Best Friend's Wedding!
4. Great Expectations ( I borrowed fr Erica, by the way)

I wish I have the luxury of time to be able to view these films again this weekend.
compromise. Never sacrifice. *grin*

TO CONQUER MY WORLD AGAIN

2005-12-17T18:07:00.000-08:00

TO CONQUER MY WORLD AGAIN.

She is my total extreme.

While I am prudent, she is outspokenly liberal. If I look demure, she seems sensual. When I almost almost die fighting for a love to stay, she sneers at the thought that I choose to die for it. Where I was weak, she fills it with her strength. When we were younger and I was a self-declared waif, she gave me shelter and fed me - took me along with her wherever she went.I grew up with her and Peaches. Her family was my family. I f you don't know her and you'll just observe her from a 10-meter distance, you'll flinch and be thinking to yerself that this woman's a deep-rooted, smart-ass, hardcore bitch.

I could not exactly enumerate in detail all the stuff we went through together. All I know is that our friendship is the classic, long-standing example of one that stood the tests of time. All the up's and down's, temporary goodbyes, birthdays in the family, giving birth to our offsprings and seeing them grow up swiftly.

I love her until I die. She was the bright color that God used to paint my life with when it was black and grey and no matter how cliche - the wind beneath my sometimes wilted wings. I know I did not have the chance to give back to her all the love and kindness she unselfishly brought me all these years. This time I promise I'm never gonna leave her again.

Though I'm running out of words to define my plight in this truly lonely life, I feel stronger today more than ever because I know she's back to conquer my world again and put aside this overcast...

THE SADNESS THAT BESETS HIM

2005-12-17T18:01:00.000-08:00

THE SADNESS THAT BESETS HIM.

Sometime this year, a friend of mine to whom I dedicated my 2 postings here in my blog is publishing a book he titled The Sad Man. I did not stop to think why he chose that title as I am certain that those 3 words completely describes the totality of his life as I knew him.

He gave me the honor of writing a part of his book's prologue, which took me a month to finish and finally, I am done. I did it in the middle of incessant sleepless days (I work at night), a kind of transgression in my normal nocturnal life.

Everything I will do for a friend.
How much can I write to conjure away the sadness that besets him?
This sadness in his heart brought by the forgotten dreams of other people...

I told him I am excited to tell the world the things I have written in my mind all these years about him. How I came to know one distinct friend - the hurting and wonderful things he was, his journeys that I missed, his life I could no longer embrace and his friendship coexisting with my life wherever it treads. It requires a great deal of passion to be able to keep up with something you do not see because of time and distance but because of faith, you become oblivious to the magic of believing. This I learned from him to the core.

I just need to find my heart to feel that magic. I'll write to reciprocate my passion and will give him back the inspiration he surrounds my life with from the time when life was so simple. And it matters most that our friendship is each other's strength.

Thank you, Ronald. Everytime I lose my faith, I feel your soul in my heart telling me in whispers to believe. I guess that stays until we grow old. :)

P.S. ..
And you know what? I came across Sting's old song "Shape of My Heart" which was used in Jean Reno's 1994 movie "Leon- The Professional." Read through the lines, I dedicate this to your soul:

SHAPE OF MY HEART

He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn't play for the money he wins
He doesn't play for the respect
He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance.

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart.

He may play the jack of diamonds
He may lay the queen of spades
He may conceal a king in his hand
While the memory of it fades.

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost.

2005-09-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

WHERE LOVE OVERFLOWS...

You asked why I seem to be repressed... And I can't find a credible source from where to draw my answer.

This trying-to-be-happy facade all the time. Sometimes the wall I've erected around me comes crumbling down. It doesn't happen very often, but sometimes, before I even realize what's going on, there I am --naked and defenseless and totally confused. At times like that I always feel like exploding, to veer from the norm. But I'm so afraid...

My heart is like a great river after a long spell of rain, full to the banks. All signposts that once stood on the ground are gone, carried away by that rush of water. And still the rain beats down on the surface of the river. Every time I see a flood like that on the news, I tell myself: That's it. That's my heart.

Overflowing with love, no one to take it. Flooded with sadness.

And I thought I could answer your question. But I feel you're not interested in the answer. And I'm sorry that you only had to see the facade.

I wish you had known me...

YOUR BELIEF

2005-07-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

YOUR BELIEF...

"...the wind always blows in different directions.
but wherever it goes, you will always hear my voice whispering...
that i believe in you.
keep being the beautiful person that you are...
your friendship is one of my strenghts and smiles.
keep flyin but don't get burned under sun. "

(How it moved me when you wrote that to me.
Thank you for your incessant reminder.
I couldn't nudge my surgeon to give me morphine! *grin*
And I'd like to be oblivious to the idea that you were
writing that in boracay, adrift in melancholy.)

TRUE WARRIOR. (a succession of compiled writings, my tribute to my eccentric, unforgettable creative partner)

2005-07-08T20:16:00.000-07:00

You are like the word melancholy.

Seeing the immortal.

Holding your breath and still smiling.

The beauty of your life is seen through your eyes.

And how you inspired so many people

with the language that you speak.

I told you yesterday that you are like

the Warrior of the Light.

Gaining wisdom from all the detailed momentum

of your colorful life.

I am enthralled by how you speak your mind now.

It seems so different if I were to look 15 years backwards.

It captivates one's soul.

Carry on with your mission.

Thank you for your prayer.

(My Current Mood: like i took dormicum...)

Photo taken in Saguijo, posted with permission from Vernon a.k.a. SPOONMAN :D...Salamat! Kahit hanggang ngayon di na natuloy yung rampage ng kutsara't tinidor - hehe....

MY ANSWER TO YOUR "FOR THE UNSUNG HEROES"

2005-07-08T20:09:00.000-07:00

If God had given fate its freedom for you to touch my life again, it could be now.You made me rediscover what is it that I wanted in my life, even if it meant endangering my material gain... You are always my inspiration...
The one responsible for the RENEWAL OF MY SOUL...
It's still a puzzle how you do it... But it suddenly changed the course of my life... A change that will no longer be erased from my memory..

I found strength knowing your ART and your WISDOM... Two of the most beautiful things about you that I will retain in my mind's eye...
Far from the YOU that I saw as a young man struggling to gain them...
You opened up my soul with what you said to me and from what other people said about you...

I pray that you will be one of my anchors to this ship that is my life, keeping it buoyant and still, in the sea of time...With your friendship that I believe has never faded in the years when there was complete absence between us...We didn't see it, but it was always there, floating...

What grips me might not touch you at all, but I will always see you as the only person who BELIEVED in me so much that I can feel it with my heart and mind.

Even if you remain my nemesis...

My exact opposite.

The NO to my YES.

Don't we have our common ground?

I will always look forward to that prologue you wanted me to write for you, albeit another five years of waiting due to your very time-constrained activities and occasional loss of memory..:)

So I say then... For believing in what I can do with God's gift to me, coming from somebody who always contradicted my belief in favor of his bohemian ideology...

THANK YOU.

I dream about it now...

(written and posted on my site on June 10, 2004 - with 1 edited sentence to keep it updated with your "For The Unsung Heroes" posting today.
I want you to know I never tire of thanking you, weaving wonderful dreams about you when you were younger and silly *gRiN*, and making myself believe that our friendship will sail through time. Has it been long? Yes.)

CRUEL THOUGHTS OF A CELIBATE THINKER

2005-07-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

This is one of those countless moments when I'd lose my synapses.How can I guard myself from this crippling sound of silence? I turned to my both sides of bed.. I see Roxeanne to my left and Wam to my right, calmly asleep. When you watch your children sleep, you learn to appreciate the sound of their breathing...How it elevates you to another plane...And if I were to speak of a day's momentum, this must be it for me.

But then, as it is for one lonely, vagabond soul fighting for the true meaning of her life, I see my heart longing for that voice to call my name in between my sleeping and waking moments...A silen kiss on my forehead..Two arms whose reach could stretch on to touch my life's lowest point, and lift it...If I sleep now, my dreams would be the same. As I traverse this endless path of sadness symbolized by a cabinet with nary a shadow of even one piece of male's underwear. How will that transpire?

All the time I spent fighting for meaning in everything I do. Everyday, I carry that burden. If only for a while I could metamorphose each burden into a moment of peace and solace, I could have laughed longer...and real..Like remembering my childhood and the first time I heard my firstborn cry. If I could freeze each moment onto forever.

Makes me deal with this ethereally. And I have been, for the last 6 years! Damn.

AN ODE

2005-07-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

ODE.

Your belief made so much difference in the lives of a lot of people...i promise you a million beautiful words in my head. i could put them in writing, all of them. now and in the future. and it's all because, from the very first day i knew you and your friendship, you have always believed in me.that belief became my wings to fly as high as i can....

You and your SOUL that I remember each time I reckon the miniature piece you painted for me back in eon years that looked exactly like this...The friendship beyond death. Beyond years of absence. Beyond distance.I'll always thank and remember you.

written: july 26, 2004 4:19 pm

WHEN LURKING TAKES ITS TOLL ...

2005-04-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

You live in this imaginary tale of an unproclaimed cynic. Stricken with an enormous will to live within the boundary of the norm; yet in your pursuit of truth, you find yourself devious, eluding from the line.

What kind of reason justifies one's sickening desparation? What makes up one's desparation in life?
When you wake up one summer morning and you see that your youth is fleeing and you panic in the absence of one important light in your life, nothing will ever be complete. YOu have the whole world to give and while you see your offspring with you, you say to yourself", you must be complete."
Everyday, that's how you condition you rmind and everyday, you end up lurking in a sea of sadness because you know it could have been better but there's nothing you can do.

You dedicate your life to the two most important people - your daughters- envisioning their future, wailful that you might not triumph in giving them the best in life but still working hard to give them everything that they want and you somehow become good at it.You tell yourself: if you will be weak, where else can they get strength from?
Your lives revolve around each other - you and them. Your love is incomparable like that of God's - never giving up, protecting.
And you forget about yourself.

In the safe confine of solitude, you feel your heart bleeding. Nobody sees it except your soul.Solitude is golden...You reckon the words said of Francis : as gold is tested in fire, so is love in pain. Which kind of reminds you of the analogies in your college aptitude test when you had to determine the given pattern to find the correct answer. Haha.

And so you go on and on enunciating what you've given of so unselfishly: sincerity and trust. And it sometimes drives you to contemplate on why you seem to always fail in getting what you deserve.
You are loved by your family, surrounded by friends who truly treasure you and whom you cherish over the years. They love you to pieces.

What else is there to long for? Hmmm.
Perhaps having to wake up alone for the longest summer and spring (like there is..). Haha. Nobody to kiss your forehead when you need to deviate to your child-like tantrum once in a while. Or that quiet taking by the hand of the person who could have been your sole company when you're sick and you need a hand to walk you to the loo.
Or maybe somebody to nag with your senseless, incessant blabbing while watching CNN...Well...Small things that could mean the world, of which you were denied by fate.

Funny as it may seem, but every single night you're in this oblivious struggle of closing your eyes, embracing your favorite Strinne-green patterned Ikea pillow sent by the man you married 12 years ago. And it lulls you to your temporary comfort.
It's your euphemism to liberty and sadness.

You wish.

(a letter to myself by my soul in astral projection..)

To Begin Again

2005-04-06T05:53:00.000-07:00

It is strange that I reserve my most intimate self in foreign spaces. I write in the pages of anothers' journal, and use another name in place of my own. Were I younger, I would probably call this cowardice. But now, as I sit by the comfort of books and the relative safety of adulthood, I realize that this is just another part of how I have come to live my life.

There was a time when I dwelled in the land of make believe. I had imaginary friends, did play pretend, and conjured fantasies for myself almost daily. As you grow older people tell you to do away with these things, and live in the "real world" of dollars, cents and exchange rate. There always seems to be another bill to pay, another errand to run or one more obligation to fulfill. Small wonder then that we retreat to our fantasies. They shelter us from a reality that can, at times, seem awfully cruel and uncaring.

Of coruse this doesn't mean that I condone meaningless forays into Wonderland. I mean, there's a difference between using fantasy to keep your sanity and losing it altogether. It's just that maybe I've come to rely on play pretend to fuel my desire to keep on living, to dream better dreams for myself and those I deem important and to keep the nightmares at bay.

The new year has been a good one thus far. Apart from the occasional routine at work, things have settled in quite nicely. Truth be told, I'm really looking forward to teaching a class. It's not just the thrill of "imparting knowledge" or "teaching other people new things." I look forward to learning. I learn from my mistakes, the errors of my peers, and the wisdom of the people placed under my care. I only hope that this enthusiasm doesn't diminish as the year passes. Life has a nasty habit of wearing you down if you don't watch yourself.

Hmmm. maybe it's time I let the inner child out to play?

My Baguio Heyday : Drunk, Cheesy and Uplifted By Some Of My Favorite People

2005-03-21T01:25:00.000-08:00

For two days, I was up there in the mountains, never minding the harshness of long travel. Mountains for me is Baguio.Where peace was real, vivid and at arm's length.
Finally. I said to myself,I was back. After months of painful ordeal, I was finally back.

___________________________________________________________

Was it Saturday, March 18th?
I had Sam waiting for me at U.P. Baguio. I was so fortunate for having been offered her own place to stay in for two days. I met Sam through Benjo last November (I honestly do not give a damn whatever reaction this statement would trigger from whoever else. I mean, this is my refuge, my own territory. Whatever I write is all patented in the most creative way. Haha).
And from then, Sam and I have been closer than I can ever imagine.
That will be another chronicle! My story of Sam will take me back to our
nights in my house when she's in Manila, our lonnnggg conversations on communism (haha), on her bestfriend Rica, on somebody she named Kapos..Haha..Later!

____________________________________________________________________________

UNE

To my right(my perspective!) is the Sam I'm talking about...To my left is my friend Sam Pinder, Baguio local artist whom I met thru Joe...Sam P. has a twin sister : Ezra, who's right at the back of her twin Sam and beside her below:

These photos were taken on Saturday night at Bistro Salud.
Joe invited me to the art exhibit on feminism where SAm and Ezra showed their paintings and crafts with other women artists of Baguio.

With her art: hand-painted bottle made from resin.

_____________________________________________________________________
DEUX : PERFUMED NIGHTMARE? Nah...

It was a blast : poetry reading, tete-a-tete with : Eric de Guia a.k.a. Kidlat Tahimik ( I'd like to thank Joe, salamat po! haha)...For which, I had this feeling-close shots:

Well...
I was fortunate to have this moment with him, like a short film that happened in the length of a three-minute pop song, as I quote Ethan Hawke in Before Sunset.
Ethan was right, it was just like a moment within a moment. He was there sharing his deep thoughts with me and my soul was in astral projection, going back to my freshman year in U.P. as I watched him having a talk in front of Film Students ( I was with my friend Eric - he was his student)- none of the gray hair that you see now.
Kidlat Tahimik. Silent Lightning. Doesn't that truly bespeaks him?
He told me of "mga duwende sa ating mga puso (dwarves in our hearts)."
No matter what, it will always come out without us knowing.
Perhaps he spoke of innate creativity. Just like the Personal Legend that The Alchemist was trying to define. And Kidlat was right. Follow your passion, seek your dream. And even if you deny yourself of that innate passion, it will lead its way out of your being, so you could share it with the world.

For a moment, I was mesmerized. This quiet strength in human form reminded me of Paulo Coelho. *GrIn*

_______________________________________________________________________

NEXT CHAPTER

Didn't I know that you ever played the percussions, Joe?!
That was verrryyyy cool.

This is not yet done.
More overhauling to come.
Got a load of photos to be posted.

I'm deluded by sleep.

_________________________________________________________________________

.

EXCERPT FROM THE ICEMAN

2005-02-19T16:37:00.000-08:00

"I love you, he says. I understand this well. The Iceman loves me. But then, from some far-off place, a wind stirs and blows his white, frozen words away...away into the past.. I cry..Icy tears stream down my face..In our faraway, frozen home at the SOuth Pole...Now, there is almost nothin' left of my former self. Sometimes I forget that I ever even had it....."

--- from The Iceman, in Vintage Murakami

I WAS JUST IN THE DELIVERY ROOM WORRYING ABOUT WHY MY OB-GYNE HAD TO INDUCE MY BAG OF WATER BY PRICKING IT WITH A STEEL ROD ...

2005-02-16T21:16:00.000-08:00

And these two little angels were the culprits why i had to undergo such
terrible, heavenly ordeal...

How many more years and I'd be a very, very conservative mother who would pick
you up even if you're already in college?

You'll always be my baby...Always saying"I love you, mama!" And what reason am I left with but to give her 100 pesos everyday? I bursted out laughing when she said if her ate wants to study in UP, her dream is to study at Rejoice University and she was serious..Bwahahahaha
Just yesterday, she was seated beside me in front of our computer. And then she said, "Mommy, when I finish college, I don't wanna work in an office. Is it okay to work at SM(Shoemart)? I want to be in the counter so I could keep all the money.
Hahahaha again...
Those sort of dreams of a child which she gets from what she sees around her.
Of course I had triumphed in disillusioning her from it, so she ended up with what I programmed her mind to dream about, to be an architect like her older sister.

My daughter has a hobby of owning different kinds of trinkets. Off school, they won't stop asking money from me so they could go with their yaya to National Bookstore or the Merriam Bookstore near our house. They'd buy colored pens, clays and all the art materials they could find. And that's everyday, I swear!

Wam is now 12 years old and independent. She inherited my sense of solitude, who finds solace in being alone without her little sister ranting at her back...
She is very artistic like her daddy. And as her mom, I never tire of repeating to her (just so it would start giving her a sense of expectation and upliftment of what she wants to be ..or what her mother wants her to be..haha..) that she will be a painter someday, or an architect, or an architect cum painter...
She keeps a portfolio of her sketches, she's been nagging me about the violin she wants to play. And there was once when she showed me a stickman animation she did. Those were in-between images she drew at the top-right corners of a small, old book. When you browse through it from the bottom, the images looked like a moving stickman. I think she learned it from her daddy and it was what her Ninong Edward, an animator who was one of those responsible in making the XMEN animation you see on tv, taught her before. It's called "In-between" animation...

I wonder if these epiphanies would weave a good future for them.
I wish they will be what I failed to be that I should have been.
We fight a lot, mostly on who should use the internet first when they get home from school. :)
My best solution is : here's 100 pesos, go to Merriam Bookstore. Hehehe

No matter how long they have been living away from their dad, he is still their hero.

This photo was taken last New Year's Eve when their daddy went home for vacation.
And where was I? Workin' my ass up while my family was supposed to be complete
after sooooooo many years. They had to spend it with our family friends...One minus point
in being a good mom...My daughters have gotten used to it.
And, they have their daddy badoodie with them, that's what's important.
They love him more than they do me, I think...:)
Even if I had to waste all my money in Timezone and National Bookstore for them...^_^
Cuz he gives them 1,000 pesos all the time!
Their life with me is so different from their life with their daddy. As opposed to their life with both daddy and mommy together, which, I guess has not existed in 4 or 5 yrs now...
And I pray that someday we will all be together again. That's a long-drawn dream
I have always wished for Wam and Roxeanne. Because I live for them...

Whew, I wanna cry...And sleep...ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

http://www.bittersweetcharisse.blogspot.com

A Hymn of Rebirth

2005-01-26T13:15:00.000-08:00

"Everything is temporary anyway," so goes a line from a cherished song by Edie Brickell. I'm tapping away at a keyboard at close to three in the morning, and after almost six months of unbridled anguish, I am finally free.

Some of your are probably thinking that six months isn't such a horribly long time. That's true. I guess that's one of the disadvantages of being born into the middle class. You often think that your pain encompasses the whole world, only to be humbled by the world's pain. I suppose I'll have to learn things the way I've always come to learn them--the hard way.

It's been close to a month since I last spoke to the woman who broke my heart. I've slowly begun to reclaim the life I had before meeting her. And strangley enough, the sentimentality is hardly there. No moment of nostalgia when I pass a certain street corner, no stray tear when a certain song visits my ears. What does that mean? I may never really know. And at this point, I don't really care. I revel at the possibilites ahead. Meeting people, and seeing them as just people, nothing more, nothing less. And if time and fortune hold, I hope to be seen the same way.

I feel as though a part of me has passed away, but I feel little sorrow at the parting. It's a lot like letting go of an old shirt. It served you well, and for some it may even carry memories. But once you let go of your attachment, you realize that YOU, not the bloody shirt, carry the memory.

The only regret in all of this is that I didn't figure it out sooner

CRUEL THOUGHTS OF A CELIBATE THINKER PART 2..

2005-01-18T19:04:00.000-08:00

Page 100

2005-01-16T23:38:00.000-08:00

I'm a slow reader. If I like a book, I'm an even slower reader. If the book I'm reading sprang from the mind of one Nick Tosches, it will take me the better part of an entire day to hit triple-digits, page-wise. I am reading for content, I am reading for craft. I want to remember dates and names and why things happened. So I read. And re-read. And re-re-read until the execution of a single sentence or paragraph has been adequately digested. Like a cow regurgitating a meal and chewing it again, repeating the process. Only what I'm reading isn't cud, but the cow itself. Marinated and grilled medium-rare.

I used to think I was quite fond of being alone, lounging on a couch or in a chair, with a book cracked open in my right hand, the bedroom door closed. But I was only alone in the strictest sense. Reading books and experiencing the company of words, another person's thoughts sent across space via the printed page. Reading letters, sincere expressions from another human being, send ripples of intimacy through my brain. This is community of the highest order. I remember a time when I longed for a swarm of friends. There was also a time when my validity as a human being hinged on which lunch table I occupied. But now I am finding a sweeter comfort in solitude.

THE SIMPLE THINGS THAT MATTER...

2004-09-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

I had such a beautiful time the last 2 days, apart from one very sad incident in my life.
And my awakening just sank in tonight after I came across a blog that a friend wrote.
And I realised how emotionally freeing it will be to just count our blessings and not delve on the
things that really will not matter but we keep on trying to believe they do..

I had the opportunity to be able to deal with a lot of shits recently.
I called it opportunity because I have always believed that anything that
happens that defies a person's standards for being happy is an
opportunity to enrich one's soul and that it's meant to happen for some
reasons.
I'd like to apply this to a friendship which you tried so hard to keep and thinking that
because you wanted so much for it to flourish, maybe the world will conspire with you for it to happen. Just like the oversimplified version of the new-age philosophy that things are possible when you want to achieve them.
But then there are a lot of issues to consider that you have overlooked while you are in the process . And you start asking questions that somehow complicate the issues even more.

And at the back of your mind you wanted to let go, but you can't. Because you still
believe that the universe will help you.
Other than that, everyday manifests the struggle and you realize what the heck is this all about?
How can you let another person desecrate your own concept of friendship?
This, to me, is the saddest point of my existence right now..

Everything I learned just now. And for me to be able to absorb its rationale, I needed
somebody to crack my brain open and extract the mindset of a hopeless cranium which still prays hard for that friendship to be saved...
It's not what my emotion speaks of, good thing my will is stronger than my heart.

So I rest that case of optimism towards the shits.
I realised it's not gonna do any good to the upliftment of my soul.
It still did enrich it, but I leave it to that level.

Time for me to move on..After all, we only realise one's lost when
we can't find them anymore...:)

I wrote this in the spirit of loyalty to my soul.
To hope that it be read in the same spirit....

WHEN CAN I GET ENOUGH OF THESE CREATIVE SOULS?

2004-08-03T17:27:00.000-07:00

In MySpace, I had a lucrative time and chance to be virtually close to these people you'll hardly ever find if you walk on the streets of Quiapo, or Makati, or wherever.
They come to you like a shooting star you see twice or thrice in your lifetime.

MARCO ++THE PLAYER? (hehe)+ EVERYTHIN' IN HIM THAT TRULY MAKES ME SEE ALWAYS THE OTHER SIDE OF THINGS.....

ARNI ++ THE WRITER + HER NEW HAIR + HER MOVIE MARATHON........

BULLET ++THE WRITER+ DRUMMER + HER NAMASTE SPOKEN VERBALLY..........

SPOONMAN ++THE PAINTER/ARTIST + THE SPOON & FORK RAMPAGE......

FELIX ++ THE PHOTOGRAPHER/ARTIST + HIS OTHER FACETS OF LIFE + HIS PERUVIAN BASKET WEAVING + HAVIN' TO TRAVEL FROM MANILA TO L.A. JUST TO HAVE COFFEE......

CHELSEA ++ THE BIGTIME R&B EVENTOLOGIST (haha)+ HANEPH PRODUCTION.....

BENJAMIN ++ THE FILMMAKER/ WRITER/ PHOTOGRAPHER /DOCUMENTARIST + HIS SENSEFUL "LIFE IS...WHICH HAS GREATLY INFLUENCED MY REFORMED VIEW ON LIFE".....

Dying to have that coffee experience, dudes and dudettes.
Let's see if our schedules become orchestrated.
Thanks for the not-so-very-common things I learn from you people everyday.
DIVINE.

TEMPORARy.

2004-08-03T17:23:00.000-07:00

sometimes i had to ask God what is wrong with who i am? and what i am made of?
and i have thousands of answers popping out of my mind...
this mornin' i felt tired and depressed.
i thought i would be able to laugh again today..
but i guess i won't anymore, ever.

sometimes you can't get enough of a person cuz you're thinking any day, any moment, that person would disappear in a snap. and with hardly any memory to be reckoned..
and you were happy for a time cuz the person brought color to your day and you thought there was a friendship brewing..

and one day, just like in the fiction novels. you feel the person drifting away, like you've got
a disease.

but i only want friendship.

2004 Aug. 2
written in shallow pain,
only to find out that he left the cellphone at home...
Grrrrr....bwahaha
imagine how far my imagination can get me?
and sometimes i freaking hate it!
it left marco to be the one laughing yesterday, not moi!
yeah right....
u owe me big time..:)

A BEAUTIFUL POEM

2004-08-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

Woken, I lay in the arms of my own warmth and listened
To a storm enjoying its storminess in the winter dark
Till my ear, as it can when half-asleep or half-sober,
Set to work to unscramble that interjectory uproar,
Construing its airy vowels and watery consonants
Into a love-speach INDICATIVE OF A PROPER NAME.

Scarcely the tongue I should have chosen, yet, as well
As harshness and clumsiness would allow,
IT SPOKE IN YOUR PRAISE,
Kenning YOU A GOD-CHILD OF THE MOON and the West Wind
WITH POWER TO TAME BOTH REAL AND IMAGINARY MONSTERS...
Likening your poise of being to an upland county,
Here green on purpose, there pure blue for luck.

-- W. H. Auden...First Things First

Whooaa! I luvvvvvv this one by W.H. Auden! Aside from his Funeral Blues..
Man, the moment i browsed through it, the first and only person that came to my mind
was mah old friend Ronald - my alter ego, the hero of my passion!
Finally, man, I found your own definition of yourself, written by another person!
With power to tame both real and imaginary monsters...Exactly what Ron is...With his ART , his love for life ,wisdom,and passion...:)
For 14 years, he have been my constant believer. His soul never leaving to remind me everyday of God's gift to me.

I'm copying this so I could post it as a testimonial in your Friendster and Myspace, Ron..haha
Perhaps in the future I could write something with measurement, not just the usual free-verse I write for you.

NICE SUNDAY EVENING!

2004-08-03T17:08:00.000-07:00

Look who I was with last night?!

I had dinner with my American boss Genea and my co- TMs at Infonxx.
Jason, Garret ( Genea's British boyfriend who's also a TM), Mavic, Vida and Jen were present this Sunday evening. Our agenda was just to have FUN and FUN and not think of the RTA, the queue, the PGs and whathaveyou...
Had so many food on the table at Friday's. But that damn Long Island cocktail that Jason had, left a really bad taste in my mouth! Oh well, it was compensated by the yummy Oreo somethin' dessert that Jen and Vida shared with me...
I also bumped into my friends Mitch and Iris who had dinner there.

And because I was late again, coming in at 830pm as opposed to our 730pm date, they tortured me by getting a place in the non-smoking area! Bad asses... I had to endure the 2 hours without any trace of nicotine in my system! Haha.

We went next to Hardrock opposite Friday's so they could play billiards and dance. Garret was the unbeatable champion! Everybody, even expats playing there were amazed at how this guy played it! I can see Genea so happy watchin' him play, and they'd make fun of each other...:)

And Mavic..Mavic!!! She was reeking in alcohol. Drunk that we can't get enough of her verbal diarrhea..Hehe...I was all up the whole night, normal and calm and laughing.
Great night with the guys...We ended in Malate at a club called Arkdia, without any hope of entering a gay bar cuz they're closed at such hour on a Sunday evening. ..

And yup, I had the chance to see Marco in Glorietta. :)

I AM A COOL MOTHER!

2004-08-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, I took Wam and Roxeanne out with their bestfriends Triccie and Candy.Well, it's a monthly promise I still hold until now so we could catch up on good stuffs outside since I rarely spend quality time with them considering my schedule.
First stop: Dreamtown at Robinson's Place. Mommy, deprived of sleep, had to endure the hyper level 8 noise of the arcade like it's the end of the world. My gawd, when can I ever appreciate the noise of video games, the bump cars, the music of the carousel plus the coin- operated videokes blasting into one full orchestra???Well...as long as I can see them enjoying their temporary freedom running from one end to another without me, I'm cool! :)
I was sitting on one bench in front of the bump car area and I had to struggle in pushing my tears back to my eyes thinking how much funnier it would be if they have their dad playing with them right then..At the back of my mind, I saw his image sitting in between Wam and Roxeanne in the bump car...I was like, "The hell my kids had to be all just with myself when he could take us with him?!" But that is another story, huh.I saw children and families with mom and dad passing by me. I had to bow my head down so all i could just see were hundred of feet walking..feet of complete families walking...:) And there were tears again...Goddamn tears, can't you just go back to where you belong! :-)
Then we ate at Chowking cuz Roxeanne was craving for noodles and Wam missed siomai. :)Nothin phenomenal happening in an afternoon at Chowking, unless you call wanton, kangkong and bagoong as such. I have to skip this..
Last stop: Coffee!!! Coffee!!! Coffee with minors? Isn't it health abuse?My daughters love hangin' out with me at Starbucks. I'd buy them Mocha (how do ya spell it: mocca or mocha? - writer's blank state, once in a while..) Frappe and I, feasting on my all-time favorite Misto (Uhh...my dear Planet Starbucks denizens know what it is..but for those of you caffeine non-enthusiasts, Misto is brewed coffee with steamed milk in layman's jargon. - Layman's Jargon??? Isn't it ironic, huh? hahaha)... We'd talk and laugh and make fun of people passing by.

Last Saturday, we had to endure the small space of Figaro.I had some really cute pictures of them and their friends. I drank coffee while they had all these jelly candies, Dairy Queen Almond Walnut chorvah on the table...Some people would look at us smiling, maybe wondering to themselves that, " Hey, that is a cool mommy! Drinking coffee, taking pics and laughing out loud with pretty kids while she exhales nonstop smoke from her chimney mouth!" hahaha ...But I made sure I was positioned where my smoke would go up opposite their direction! Good.
Nice quality time...We all had smiles on our faces when we went home...I triumphed on my goal for this week with them!And later on, mommy had to go to work like a frozen zombie at RCBC Plaza again because she had no sleep....

SUDDENLY I'M BLABBING ABOUT FATE...Tsk..Tsk..

2004-07-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

In certain defeat, I still cling to the belief that all the chance meetings ,in between long interval of years that happen between you and another person, are not merely a series of meaningless coincidences...
When you left for fate to take its course in bringing you and that same person both in the same place at such unexpected time...

Such tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan of fate...Whether or not or even if it will not end the way it should be, or should have been...

Must be a sign of something not really romantic, but of significant relevance to my life and my passion and my dreams I took for granted.

It left me speechless, immobile... Asking why this chapter of my life coincides in harmony with the universe...

It's happening to me.

______________________

Because I didn't quite know & expect when to bump into my friend Ronald again, I left everything to fate and returned to my normal routine. For one, because I am busy, he has the world in his hands. It's a hit and miss thing to be able to bump into each other soon.
After all, it always have taken us like 4 or 5 yrs just to cross paths with each other and just to let the records show, those are very, very unplanned circumstances. Like the very elusive rain out in the Sahara desert...Or the sun that almost never shines in England...

One Monday morning, 14th of June, coming from my Sunday day off, I had this itch to have coffee at Seattles in Greenbelt and called my friend Hazel to meet me there. I never woke up early just to go to Greenbelt. But that morning, it came as a duty I had to fulfill for myself..So there we met.

Hazel updating me with her endless pursuit to be a bonafide greenthumb and how lonely her life has become for the last 8 months...While I tell her about the reawakening of my dream to be a certified writer in my own right soon, all because of the inspiration Ronald left me with the last time that we talked..And how I contemplate in exploring that dream because now I lost contact with him again... It has ceased motivating me further just when I was in the brink of finally succumbing to that deprived passion... Hazel asked me when was the last time I saw him, I said almost 2 weeks ago and after that, no more.

I was describing to Hazel how he looked like, when from my seat outside Seattle's Best, I saw a distant figure standing outside Starbucks. At 1030 in the morning, 1930 Pacific Standard time. It was a very familiar figure of a man I last saw 2 weeks ago, wearing I Love NY tshirt with the long dread locks. My jaw dropped. And how funny I looked when I ran my way to the rest room when I saw him lifting his butt from his steel chair at Starbucks to go walking to where Hazel and I sat.

I mean, hey... Was it a senseless coincidence? As I wrote up there, it must be a sign of something not really romantic because I know it can't be. But I have always believed there's a message that I need to figure out. Or what lies beneath those circumstances...
Is he instrumental in making my dream happen? Is he the missing soul that still makes my soul incomplete? I believe a soulmate does not actually mean a partner. It could always be your daughter, your father, your friend, or a complete stranger whose face you couldn't even draft no matter how hard you think of how he might look...

Ronald has always been the center and force that continues to attract people with creativity in their blood, for his is a mind that thinks differently. I think he lives his art or basically practices what he preaches..When you get the chance to move around his orbit, it will be quite a struggle to expel yourself from it. I don't know why. Until now. He's like Tyler Durden in Fight Club. Oh, yeah!..That reverberating voice in your head that tells you you are not your job, you are not what you have in the bank. I guess he must have seen it. :) That character represents him. Free, uninhibited, a force that opens up your soul.

I remember him telling me that my job kills my passion. That made me halt my drive to go to work every night now. I spend my days reading books, watching art films, writing journals like right now. Things I didn't get to do for a long, long time because I had to work at night in a call center...And I'm beginning to feel FREE...My hand couldn't stop moving...I have again started appreciating the beauty of my rough handmade papers...I couldn't help praying for my shift to end at 800 am so I could finally open my blog and tinker on my keyboard..The sight of my pen with silver ink sliding smoothly on the black paper drives my heart orgasmic...

So this must be that underlying truth. The sign I have to recognize shown
by the tapestry of events unfolding right before my very eyes.
And I thank him... So much.

I hope he doesn't poke a gun in my mouth just like Tyler.

I'll see if fate will take its course again for the 4th time in 14 years...

http://www.bittersweetcharisse.blogspot.com

WATCHING MARITESS VS. THE SUPERFRIENDS

2004-07-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

...as taken from Dino's voices in his head : www.fractalcow.com.

You familiar with this underground cartoon? This have been circulating as attachments in emails 2 years ago...The story of a Pinay DH who served the Superfriends in the Hall of Justice.

It was conceptualized by US - based Fil-American writer/stand- up Comedian Rex Navarette. And Dino (Ignacio) did its very, very clever animation!
I'm gonna ask Dino if I could post somethin' about him here so y'all, mah friends would
know who was the main man behind that funny cartoon. ^~^
Of course I have to catch him again online as he's right now based in SF. ^~^

Too bad we could not feast on his "Bert Is Evil" creation now that he finally put it to rest, as a sign of respect to Sesame Street Workshop and to Jim Henson, who has been the hero of our generation! (babyboomers, flowerchildren..PeAcE!)

How much of a brilliant artist, this guy! Well, he said he owes a lot of it to his brothah
Ronald! But that, actually, is another different story!

So later...

VEINTE POEMAS DE AMOR Y UNA CANCIَON DESPERADA (TWENTY LOVE POEMS AND A SONG OF DESPAIR)

2004-07-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

What a woman like me would feel if one lost soul would, to me, dedicate this timeless, undying poem...

VEINTE POEMAS DE AMOR Y UNA CANCIَON DESPERADA

Puedo escribir los versos mلs tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche estل estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos".

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos mلs tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la querيa.
Cَmo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos mلs tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oir la noche inmensa, mلs inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocيo.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche estل estrellada y ella no estل conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazَn la busca, y ella no estل conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos لrboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuلnto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oيdo.

De otro. Serل de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el ْltimo dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los ْltimos versos que yo le escribo.

__________________________________

TWENTY LOVE POEMS AND A SONG OF DESPAIR

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her..

SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL, MF DAY...

2004-07-02T00:03:00.000-07:00

vOiLa!
My alter ego recognized the presence of my soul today! *smile*

Until then...Let the power of fate and faith continue.

As I quote Bullet : Namaste! < I salute the divineness in you...>

MY ADVICE TO FRANCIS

2004-06-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

You will look around your orbit and recognize the same people
who have been with you through all same things over
and over again, and they're still with you...
I won't ask you why.
Just keep on moving on.
Don't look for more...because that's what makes you
take evrythin' you have for granted for now...
You have a long lifetime, you're fucking 22 years old...Your skin is still
as tight as a carabao's, you have no crow's feet at the side of your right eye..or left eye...your clock still ticks because it functions with a newly purchased battery...like a battery branded by Ikea, it lasts 3 times longer as opposed to Eveready...
Bottomline: you shan't whine about a phalanx of senseless wordly, temporal shits.
Life is not just that...How about stargazing at night..or sitting on a bench at the Sunken Garden and count how many condoms are there lying stuffed from the previous night?Haha...Or watching the birds outside the window of my condo as they collect twigs everyday in the nest that my daughters built for them...
Such is the simple life that would mean like world to you when you reach my powerful age.
And as I look at you, I think about how you will take being evicted from the house you grew up in, or seeing your father die, you wanted to embrace him but his body was encrypted in a fiberglass casket that will restore his carcass intact for the next 12 years....Or to worry about your children's future because you'll never know when you're gonna die?...

Tell me if your whining equates all these...
Enjoy your life as it still is yet to unfold.
The bullshit which you say is PASSE is the bullshit that will keep you moving on..
Go figure.
I love you!

I spent a hefty amount of time on my cellphone yesterday morning. Why, my friend Francis called me while he whined about lots of stuffs regarding his life.
This person was 19 when I got to meet him and he totally regarded me with such respect first as his supervisor and later on as a very good friend. I do the same to him.Now he's freaking 22 yrs old and he thinks he's carrying the whole world on his back! On his back? Can I just tell you that he is an only child, he travels outside the country every year, he has his green card, he buys branded stuffs, he graduated Cum Laude in Pol Sci from LaSalle, he affords having a 7-day vacation at a 5-star hotel in Boracay, he has a driver...And he feels he has the world on his back?
Tickle me hard, man.

When I bore my eldest daughter, he was just 10 yrs old. Imagine the age gap.
Hahaha. So more or less, I'm just like a mother to him! Hell, NOOOO!!! Hahaha.
Is that how old I am? Unfortunately, yes.

This is what I posted on his blog
today. I hope I made some sense.

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SIMPLE UNHANGOVERISH SUNDAY WITH TRISH AND JET

2004-06-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

This is Jet and this is Trish - My Sunday gimmick buddies:

I woke up at 12 midnight to meet Trish and Jet at Segafredo in Greenbelt.
As usual, I was late. But the crew were already putting the chairs on the tables so we had to leave...GB3 was a ghost town at 130 in the morning of Monday.
We headed to Malate and drank at Cafe Adriatico till 330 am.
It was fun. We all laughed at my own craziness and my funny experiences in life.
They were wondering what Tessa Prieto- Valdez, Kris Aquino and I have in common?...I say it's a very confidential matter that will provoke the universe to be in a sort of siege! Let's not talk about mortality, you two young asses!!! I hate you! Hehehe.

I was amping to drown in frozen margaritas but ended up with Cafe Ad's Coffee Barako, huh! Not kapeng barako. :)
Ken wasn't able to make it, as usual.
He's busy painting the town bloody red with his other friends...I wonder when can we sit down again and have our afternoon brown mix at Famous? I wavvv you!

I was actually planning to join Pin and his friends at a noisy, mediocre bar where majority of its denizens are you know, bagets..haha But I just went home. It will just be a waste of time travelling from Malate all the way to QC. Besides, I have to be the one to bathe my little daughters before goin to school . It's a once-a-week task I promised myself I'd do. :)

HE, IN THE MIDDLE, IS THE GENUINE ARTIST I WAS TALKING ABOUT BELOW...^~^

2004-06-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

I remember doing the copies for some press kits and display art panels/signages Richard used to do when he has sideline jobs as a freelance designer.It was just a short-lived realization.
Made me sigh...We could have both discovered way back then that we could be a perfect team and not just have me cooking for our family, washing their clothes, be ranting jealous of all the girls he worked with, and sulk at home...He forgot that I could be indespensible, that I was his treasure, too.

I hope God is listening. And I'll make a wish.
It's the picture of a complete family - eating breakfast, lunch and dinner together all the days of their lives. Two daughters playing in the living room while daddy does his thing with his MAC G3 or his iMAC...And mommy cooks in the kitchen...
It sometimes happens every one and a half year.
I want it forever.

THIS IS HOW THE HORIZON YOU PAINTED FOR ME LOOKS LIKE SO I'D NOT FLUNK MY COLOR COMPOSITION CLASS!

2004-06-27T13:13:00.000-07:00

It's just a passing thought..I kinda remembered the good times I had with my friends back in college. I went to an Art School for 1 and a half sem. Of course it's a prerequisite that you can draw and paint. During my entrance exam, I brought my friend to do the still-life painting of a glass on top of a table. I sneaked my sketch pad outside so Conch, my friend, could do it...Hahaha. I was accepted.

It didn't end there. When prelims came, it was Ronald who always did my plates for me! Damn, slacker!!! I'd let them do it in exchange of book reports. That has always been an ex-deal for us.
I wasn't really an artist. It was only a period of a career crisis when I was contemplating on what really was it that I wanted to pursue. I had to leave school and forget journalism for a while. In Fine Arts, you can't survive if you're just an individual pretending to be one of them in the league. Goddamn fucking pretender! Hehehe.
In the long run, you'll realise you're a nobody in the ocean of such great talents and you'll see yourself stuck in the vortex with nothing and your friends would laugh at you. You'll be in a nude painting class and you couldn't even sketch the outline of the woman's breast...What more to do justice to it by putting the perfect lighting perspective by the power of your bare hand and charcoal pencil? Nah..I couldn't do it...The cliche went on with its redundant connotation : When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Hell, didn't I??? I did as I should. But it was still a death-stricken metaphor that I burned eyebrows and ashes just to learn perfect Italian - yet, my tongue still kept on reverting to my own native language, cuz learning Italian wasn't really my passion...Exactly the whole rationale behind it. You can't ever be who you want to be only because you wanna be in the mainstream. Just be yourself and flourish your own innate talent.Whew.
Was I lucky to have Bambam, Aidward, Xana, Ronald, etc...
I owed to them my survival in that world where creativity is the air that you can only breathe.

Above is the painting of the horizon which became my ticket in passing Mr. Miaga's art class. Done by my friend Ronald. ^~^ I'll never forget that stormy evening when you did that.

At the end of it all, I opted to marry a genuine artist. While I continued to nourish what God gave me.^~^

BOHEMIAN INK

2004-06-25T18:14:00.000-07:00

While I search the web for some links that will prove beneficial in my attempt to flourish my God-given talent (nakkss...*wink*), I spotted this site called Bohemian Ink. Oh man, what a way to start a brand new day at exactly 415 in the morning! ^~^ This is a ghetto for underground literary buffs surfacing in certain circles but have yet to break the major league...
That is my dream! Being a New Age writer amping for the publication of my untitled essays in the very near, unbleak future!
At least I have a dream...Check it out, mah friends!
I learn a lot of stuffs everyday..From HTML, to Java Scripts, to controling my emotions, to Neo-Futurist ideologies...And I learn them all in the comfort of my acquired silence of my living room from 12 midnight to 6 in the morning, when everybody else is asleep.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RICHARD

2004-06-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

I remember you said it was only just gonna take a year before you could take us with you there...Now another year was taken by The Lord from your mortality...Another year added to the 6 long years you didn't spend your birthday with us (notwithstanding my birthdays)...But I thank you that you never forget spending your daughters' birthdays & 3 Christmases with us from time to time..:)

It has been quite an endless wait. I don't know if you're still looking forward to it.
But I have always wished you are...

Happy birthday to the person who bore me the 2 most important little girls in my life!

DYING TO SWIPE MY CARD FOR THIS: THE LOST ORDERS

2004-06-25T14:21:00.000-07:00

Who is quite fond of Graham Swift, the British contemporary of Salman Rushdie who was much acclaimed for "Waterland?"..."The Lost Orders" is a beautiful little book, about a man who dies and his four best friends take his ashes to sprinkle into the ocean. It's just about an outing...Four drinking partners out for a day in a rented car. That's all that happens, but it's very touching and funny which tells you a lot about what these people have been to each other... And it also tells you something about the ritual of death, this last rite of passage. The way in which these ordinary folks, who in a strange way, rise to the occasion while it becomes a real ceremony and they become conscious of the importance of what they're doing...

...Wow, I never really noticed how I can be very good in eyeing good finds! It just caught my attention one time in Powerbooks. But I had just grabbed myself 2 new books and I swear, it will take me forever to read them cuz of my schedule...

DEATH

2004-06-23T23:17:00.000-07:00

When the first of things existed...
I was there waiting....

When the last of things dies,
my job will be finished...

I will put all chairs on the table,
turn off the lights, and lock the
universe as I leave...

..In Dream Country